Secret Santa easy way to find out none of your co-workers have a clue who you are

BEING given a completely unsuitable present by someone you see almost every day is the best way to find out they do not give a toss about you, it has emerged.

Workers across the country are discovering this week just how little impact they make on the lives of their colleagues, despite spending more time with them than their own families.

IT manager Lucy Phipps said: “I sit in the same room as these bastards day in, day out. I’ve told them at length about my passion for crafting and love of folk music, and what did I end up with? A bottle of aftershave.

“I can’t even give it to my husband as we divorced recently, as my co-workers should know because I was very vocal about it. Did they not notice me crying on their shoulders every lunchtime for four months?

“To be fair, I picked Stephen and gave him a three-pack of striped socks from M&S. But that’s not because I don’t know him. It’s because I couldn’t be arsed.”

Charlotte Phelps, who bought Phipps’ present, said: “Lucy? Is she the one with the annoying laugh or the one who cries all time? Oh, honestly, who gives a f**k.”

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Where's our replica Mary Earps Sports Personality of the Year trophy, Nike asked

THE public has furiously asked Nike why they cannot purchase a replica Mary Earps BBC Sports Personality of the Year trophy, it has emerged.

Fans of the Lioness goalkeeper have once again been disappointed by Nike as the sportswear company has failed to produce a replica 2023 trophy with her name on it.

Nikki Hollis from Belper said: “First they didn’t make her shirt and now this. What did Mary Earps ever do to hurt you, Nike?

“I wouldn’t expect them to sell an exact match made out of wood and metal with little engraved shields. That would be well pricey. But even a rushed job made out of tin foil and cereal box card would be better than nothing.

“How are little girls supposed to emulate their hero now? By yelling at their friends pretending to be the Spanish team to f**k off? While that would be accurate and more affordable, it’s just not the same.”

A Nike spokesperson said: “Our bad. Bear with us as we crank out a limited run that will be impossible to find and cost you a ludicrous amount on eBay. Happy now?”