How to deal with arsehole relatives this Christmas

IF you’re cursed with visiting relatives this Christmas it will inevitably harm your festive fun. Here’s how to minimise the grief at this most joyous time of year.

Board game bastards

Board games are not only tedious but relatives always have their own bizarre version of the rules, eg. in Monopoly, every time you go to jail you get $500 for wrongful arrest.

Solution: Trivial Pursuit et al have been destroyed in a mysterious ‘board game fire’. Doddery 85-year-old Auntie Lynne will just have to go on a steep learning curve with Call of Duty.

Outdoorsy tossers

Sure as night follows day some relative will want to go for a very long walk in the countryside, which won’t be a delightful winter wonderland but instead more like a muddy yomp in the Falklands.

Solution: It was just on the radio that there’s been an outbreak of anthrax. Looks like we’d better open more wine and watch Toy Story 3.

Teenagers who don’t want to be there

This is actually fair enough, but standing in a corner texting and moodily sighing really isn’t getting into the festive spirit.

Solution: Express grave concerns about your stocks of mince pies/bread sauce/milk and take the teens for a nostalgic evening of drinking cider and smoking crap weed in the park of their choice.

Joyless miseries

Every family has some miserable sod or soddette who just wants to whine about other people’s child rearing or the central heating not coming on at 4am.

Solution: Lock them in a bedroom for the duration with a black-and-white TV, a bucket of water, some Jacob’s Cream Crackers and a small piece of mild Cheddar. The misery will make it their best Christmas ever!

Political arguers

A family Christmas inevitably brings together people with opposing political views. Unfortunately after too many glasses of wine Uncle Steve and Uncle Pete will be going at it like Enoch Powell arguing with Trotsky.

Solution: Have a pre-prepared list of utterly insane political arguments that will disarm the combatants with their mentalness, eg. “Why aren’t trees allowed to vote? Tell me that, Steve!”

 

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Full-time drinker's heart sinks at prospect of part-time drinkers

A HARDENED drinker’s slightly diseased heart has sunk at the prospect of his boozing sessions being interrupted by loud, tipsy Christmas parties.

Roy Hobbs, 54, who drinks 13 pints a day in the Dog & Duck in Aylesbury, feels his Christmas is in danger of being ruined by excessive occasional drinking.

Hobbs said: “I’ve nothing against people enjoying a dangerous amount of alcohol, just so long as they can handle it and sit quietly in the corner of the pub doing a crossword.

“It really unsettles me when the once-a-year drinkers pile in, already slightly inebriated at the prospect of becoming slightly inebriated, as late as 1.15pm.

“I like a quiet pub where I can get immensely pissed without having a friendly conversation or appearing to enjoy myself in any way at all.

“But these people start flailing around the pub with their Christmas hats being all flirty and jolly. Where’s the dignity in getting totally shitfaced like that?

“A serious drinking habit is for life, not just for Christmas.”