‘What if I’m actually a dickhead?’ Boris Johnson wonders aloud

FOR the first time Boris Johnson has realised he might not be a great statesman and future prime minister but just a dickhead.

Johnson, who has long maintained that beneath his buffoonish exterior lies a steely political operator, today stared into the mirror and saw nothing but a buffoon staring back.

He said: “This is a ridiculous thought, but what if – indulge me – I’m actually exactly the absurd clown I seem?

“For example, I thought I was being supremely clever when I led the Leave campaign, knowing it couldn’t win but I’d put myself in pole position for Downing Street. But it did win, and everything’s gone wrong since.

“Could that in some way be my fault?

“And when I got given a proper job I was shit at it. I told myself it was a canny move stoking Britain’s populist xenophobia, but maybe I’m just shit at jobs?

“Perhaps my unaccountable failure to become prime minister, which I assumed was just bad luck, is because I’m a fat, lying sack of shit who shags any passing posh bird and who nobody trusts an inch?

“Oh god, it’s all true. Even messing my hair up before I go on TV looks a bit twattish.”