The British person's guide to rioting

THE French have done some good rioting recently, but is our famous ‘English reserve’ stopping us sorting out our grievances by setting fire to cars? Read our guide to smashing shit up.

Stop being so tediously polite

British people are proud of their pleasant manners, but this only leads to docile, painfully middle-class marches. Instead use a rolled-up Observer food supplement as the lighter in your petrol bomb.

Learn from our neighbours

The French will smash up shops on the Champs-Élysées at the drop of a baguette. The next time a Twix goes up in price at your local garage, drive your car through the window.

Be motivated by something other than looting Sports Direct

Trainers are comfy, but if you’re only out on the streets to to nick a pair of Nike Air Max we’ll never successfully stick it to the man. Unless that man is Mike Ashley. And to be fair, Sport Direct is a valid target if you’re sick to death of being pestered to buy insoles.

Use your Twitter hatred

If the amount of seething, bitter vitriol that’s put into attacking people in 280 characters was put into rioting it would make the French Revolution look like a quiet night in with your nan.

Realise you already have rioting skills

Throwing hard objects, wielding a stick, being hit in the bollocks – as a nation we already have many rioting skills, it’s just called ‘cricket’.

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How to cope with another year of Theresa bloody May

THERESA May is set to stay for at least another year, so how will you survive more of her bullshit? Follow our guide to making it as painless as possible.

Drink and drugs

Go on an insane Hunter S. Thompson-style bender fuelled by LSD, heroin and Tesco own-brand gin. After a year your life will have fallen apart but you’ll be oblivious to the latest gripping wrangles over the Northern Ireland ‘backstop’.

Become an up-yourself TV political correspondent

Nick Robinson, Laura Kuenssberg, Robert Peston – these twats love pontificating about Westminster politics while conveying very little worthwhile information. However they are very well paid and probably even get groupies. Give it a go.

Have no news media

This basically means getting rid of your TV and computer and never buying or even looking at a newspaper. You’ll be a social pariah who can’t discuss shows like Bodyguard with your mates in the pub, but they’ll be fascinated by the fact that you’ve finally finished Anna Karenina.

Have your short-term memory removed

With no short-term memory, May yet again returning from Brussels with the same crap Brexit deal will seem like fresh and exciting news, not the tedious version of Groundhog Day it really is.

NHS doctors are unlikely to agree to this risky cranial procedure, so you’ll probably have to go to a dodgy surgeon in Bolivia and possibly be turned into a vegetable, but it’s worth the risk.