The British person’s guide to rioting

THE French have done some good rioting recently, but is our famous ‘English reserve’ stopping us sorting out our grievances by setting fire to cars? Read our guide to smashing shit up.

Stop being so tediously polite

British people are proud of their pleasant manners, but this only leads to docile, painfully middle-class marches. Instead use a rolled-up Observer food supplement as the lighter in your petrol bomb.

Learn from our neighbours

The French will smash up shops on the Champs-Élysées at the drop of a baguette. The next time a Twix goes up in price at your local garage, drive your car through the window.

Be motivated by something other than looting Sports Direct

Trainers are comfy, but if you’re only out on the streets to to nick a pair of Nike Air Max we’ll never successfully stick it to the man. Unless that man is Mike Ashley. And to be fair, Sport Direct is a valid target if you’re sick to death of being pestered to buy insoles.

Use your Twitter hatred

If the amount of seething, bitter vitriol that’s put into attacking people in 280 characters was put into rioting it would make the French Revolution look like a quiet night in with your nan.

Realise you already have rioting skills

Throwing hard objects, wielding a stick, being hit in the bollocks – as a nation we already have many rioting skills, it’s just called ‘cricket’.