'Turn that f**king Christmas song off' declares any rational human being

ANY sane human should immediately demand that Christmas songs be turned off, scientists have confirmed.

The Institute for Studies found it was entirely normal to reject Christmas tunes after decades of being punished by mediocre sing-song hits, often involving sleigh bells.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “With the days leading up to Christmas being a full-on deluge of shit you’ve heard about 2,000 times before it’s reasonable not to want to hear them again.

“Commercials are already playing them, as are do-gooder carol singers in the foyers of every shopping centre across the country, so why add to the pain by listening to them by choice?

“Next time someone in the office starts playing that bloody Mariah Carey song you are well within your rights to throw the radio out of the window without further explanation.

“If they ask why, tell them science said you could. Although don’t do it if it’s that one about stopping the cavalry. That’s alright.”

Christmas song fan Emma Bradford said: “Just like the song says, I too wish it could be Christmas every day.

“By which I mean, cold, wet and surrounded by people who generally annoy me.”

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Five ways forward for Theresa May

She survived the vote of confidence, but where should the prime minister go from here? 

Fake her own death

Stealing a trick from 70s MP John Stonehouse, May could leave some clothes on a beach, disappear and begin again in another country far from Britain and the terrible mess she has made of it. Perhaps an isolated Atlantic island where she could kick puffins.

Russian roulette

The prime minister, in scenes reminiscent of The Deer Hunter which she has neither seen nor heard of, invites her cabinet to take turns holding a revolver loaded with a variable number of bullets to their heads and pulling the trigger. Supported by cabinet, who are tired and want all this to be over.

Reversal of fortune

Schedules a Brexit vote and a general election for the same day, waits until results are declared then announces that it was Opposite Day, it is official and legal because she notified the Queen, and everything she lost she won. Could backfire if Corbyn blows the election by being shit.

The locum gambit

May calls Downing Street press conference, thanks everyone for their kindness while she’s been standing in for the prime minister during his illness, then brings a dazed and clearly kidnapped David Cameron to the podium before sprinting away down Whitehall to a waiting car.

Biological cleansing

May orders Porton Down to release genetically-engineered superflu which kills every living thing in the British Isles. Brexit is cancelled by default while technically honouring the referendum result as the UK is sealed off from the EU and all immigration halted. Net win.