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If you are not already in a 22-mile tailback on the M5, you have missed Christmas

THE media has warned that if your vehicle is not already stuck at the back of a 22-mile traffic jam then it is too late and you have missed Christmas.

More than one and a half billion cars – twice the population of the UK, though less than a third of Trump’s BBC lawsuit – are already choking Britain’s roads, with traffic jams stretching from the M20 at Folkestone to the A838 at Cape Wrath.

Traffic co-ordinator Denys Finch Hatton said: “What do you mean you didn’t set off at 10pm last night? Don’t you like Christmas? You ‘have work’? Pathetic.

“It is too late now. Even if your parents live only five miles away, there’s no hope of you reaching them for Christmas Eve. You’re in on your own with a microwave meal for one, and not even a nice one. A prawn bhuna from the Oops!.

“If you’re in traffic currently, you’ve done it right. Stay strong. A mere 132 hours, depending on weather, and you’ll be home watching Christmas University Challenge in the bosom of your family and all those bottles you pissed in will be worth it.

“To those without vehicles, the trains are already full well beyond capacity and stranded unable to move. Remain on board, especially if you have a table seat, and await your Delay Repay bonanza.”

Motorist Wayne Hayes said: “I’m more than 300 yards away from my own house, and I’ve only heard Driving Home For Christmas 70 times so far. I love this time of year.”

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Kelly LeBrock, and other sex symbols who appeared only in the most awful of films

KELLY LeBrock has been talking about her new career in ranching, but attempting to watch her films is a bit of a slog. Here are more sex symbols you have to be very committed to ogling. 

Milla Jovovich 

An icon of repetitive, mindless action-horror thanks to husband Paul WS Anderson’s Resident Evil series. Male-gazing at her character Alice requires you to sit though hours of the genuinely nonsensical activities of the evil Umbrella Corporation. Is there even a market for decomposing zombie dogs? How does that work as a revenue stream?

Kelly LeBrock

Kelly’s breakout film was The Woman in Red, a misjudged midlife crisis comedy in which Gene Wilder’s attempts to woo her would actually result in her calling the police and keeping a knife by her bed. Her other big movie Weird Science involves a f**king tedious lesson in how we should embrace real life not fantasy, which feels a tad hypocritical in a film entirely based on the characters and audience fantasising about Ms LeBrock.

Burt Reynolds

Burt was a bona fide 70s and 80s sex symbol, but how many f**king comedy car and truck chases does a girl want to watch? The Cannonball Run and similar do at least give you plenty of Burt to enjoy, but unfortunately also CB radio gibberish, lame comedy fights and chest hair that would put a carpet tile to shame.

Emily Browning

The star of Sucker Punch, which is like emptying out the contents of a teenage boy’s mind and filming the detritus. Babes in underwear! Mechs! Hot samurais! Dancing babes in underwear! Final boss fights! Nazi zombies! And so on. Zack Snyder was 45 when he made it. With her other films including Ghost Ship and The Uninvited you’re best off ogling her by watching Legend and fast-forwarding through all the Tom Hardy bits.

Barbara Crampton 

If you’ve not got a high tolerance for cheesy 80s comedy horror you’re going to find films like Re-Animator and From Beyond a bit of a chore, even to see Barbara in a charming bondage outfit. She’s been in at least five HP Lovecraft adaptations including Suitable Flesh, which is a remarkable achievement given that his stories contain precisely no tits except ones attached to hideous fish-people. 

Bo Derek

Bo’s iconic bouncers come at the cost of watching a laborious comedy about a wealthy composer going through – oh good – a midlife crisis. After an hour of Dudley Moore mugging his way through various pratfalls, even your basest sexual instincts will be telling you to watch something else. You’re unlikely to have heard of most of Bo’s others films except Orca, a kind of socially-responsible Jaws that left no one with an irrational fear of killer whales.

Angelina Jolie

Angelina’s films have never quite lived up to her success at being beautiful. Girl, Interrupted isn’t in any way enjoyable, Tomb Raider is shit, Eternals just kind of exists… and that’s before you start on her early work like Cyborg 2. It’s the career equivalent of Cristiano Ronaldo being paid £178 million a year for being good at lads and dads.

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