Potatoes going to be crispy this year, say lying mums

BRITAIN’S mothers have yet again deceived their loved ones by claiming the roast potatoes will be crispy like the ones in food magazines.

Despite decades of soft, greasy potatoes, gullible families are still being conned into thinking this year they will receive a crunchy, yet still fluffy, miracle.

Mum Carolyn Ryan said: “Every year I make outlandish claims about crispy edges and feathery light interiors, and every year it’s the same yellowish, oily, mediocre potatoes.

“I can make them ‘crispy’ by overcooking them so much you can crush diamonds with them, but even that’s a hassle compared to just sticking them in the oven and having a glass of port.

“Most years I pretend to open the same jar of goose fat that’s been there since 2004 and promise to parboil them. Do I? Do I fuck.

“You’d think they’d learn, but they’re desperate to believe a mum who can produce a decent roast potato really exists. A bit like believing in Santa, actually. Idiots.”

Son Carl said: “I just know in my heart this year’s going to be the one where we have perfect crispy roast potatoes. I love you mum! Your potatoes are going to be the best!”

Carolyn Ryan added: “Nope.”