Potatoes going to be crispy this year, say lying mums

BRITAIN’S mothers have yet again deceived their loved ones by claiming the roast potatoes will be crispy like the ones in food magazines.

Despite decades of soft, greasy potatoes, gullible families are still being conned into thinking this year they will receive a crunchy, yet still fluffy, miracle.

Mum Carolyn Ryan said: “Every year I make outlandish claims about crispy edges and feathery light interiors, and every year it’s the same yellowish, oily, mediocre potatoes.

“I can make them ‘crispy’ by overcooking them so much you can crush diamonds with them, but even that’s a hassle compared to just sticking them in the oven and having a glass of port.

“Most years I pretend to open the same jar of goose fat that’s been there since 2004 and promise to parboil them. Do I? Do I fuck.

“You’d think they’d learn, but they’re desperate to believe a mum who can produce a decent roast potato really exists. A bit like believing in Santa, actually. Idiots.”

Son Carl said: “I just know in my heart this year’s going to be the one where we have perfect crispy roast potatoes. I love you mum! Your potatoes are going to be the best!”

Carolyn Ryan added: “Nope.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Uncle test-flying nephew's Christmas present in deep shit

AN uncle who gave his nephew’s Christmas drone a sneaky test flight is worried he might not get it back without complications.

Joseph Turner of Crawley thought he would give the £65 drone “a quick go” but lost control and is unsure where it went, other than near “a big wide empty road”.

He said: “If I’ve scuffed the casing, I can probably get the marks off with a damp cloth. But it could be considerably worse than that.

“The camera’s not that great – it looked better on the box – but I got the impression it might have flown into the general area of Gatwick. Where all that fuss is. I hope it’s not related.

“At least with all the policemen everywhere one of them’s bound to find it, but the danger is I won’t get it back before the 23rd, which doesn’t leave time to charge the battery and get it wrapped.

“Anyway, it definitely works. I think Jack will have lots of fun with it. If the worst comes to the worst I’m pretty sure you’re allowed to send presents from prison.”

He added: “I’m probably in the clear because they say the Gatwick drone flyer could be an eco-warrior. Well that’s not me. I barely recycle.”