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Six places where it's not f**king Christmas

THERE remain a few locations in this world where the season of goodwill has not yet claimed dominion. Go to these locations when you need a f**king break:

Any comic shop

They don’t put on Christmas music in the comic shop. The anime fanatics working there don’t don Santa hats. One of the most unpleasant high street retail experiences for 11 months of the year is a haven away from enforced Yuletide joy in December. But don’t buy anything. That’s how they get you.

The Chinese restaurant

Indian restaurants string up a bit of tinsel as an insulting nod to their former colonisers’ half-hearted religious beliefs. Chinese restaurants couldn’t give a f**k. They barely even consider Britain a valid culture, so they’re not about to acknowledge a festival as recent as 2,023 years old.

The loft

All the decorations have been removed and strewn about downstairs, so the loft is 100 per cent Christmas-free. Take a chair up there, sit and enjoy a cup of tea without any dickhead pushing a cup of mulled wine into your hands or putting The Christmas Chronicles on. Heaven.

The darkroom at a gay club

There’s the kind of frivolous homosexuality which enjoys Mariah Carey and light-up reindeer antlers, and then there’s the darkroom where homosexuality gets serious. For the price of a certain amount of physical interaction, all risk of being dragged into a wooden market selling German gingerbread hearts is eliminated.

A plumbing supplies store

Or anywhere catering chiefly to the building trade where they’re selling to men working outside in sub-zero temperatures and pissed off about it. Your sewerage pipe doesn’t know or care it’s Christmas, and neither do the men fixing it. Browse the 5/8in wrenches and revel in the lack of seasonal cheer.

A Kingdom Hall

Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t acknowledge a pagan festival rebadged by Christians to ride a midwinter wave of popularity. They do still discuss the Bible, but that’s got pretty much no connection to the modern commercial Christmas so pay it no mind and sit back. Christmas is literally banned here. You’ll love it.

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Five places you can find your presents right now if you want, kids

HI kids, can’t wait until December 25th for your presents? Luckily Santa has already half-heartedly hidden them around your home in these places.

At the back of mummy and daddy’s wardrobe

Mummy and daddy’s wardrobe is full of lots of boring things, like office suits and those expensive pants from the internet your mum wears when you spend the weekend at your grandparents. Push your way past these garments though and you’ll find the Lego set or QR code for a Minecraft skin or whatever bollocks it is you’re into these days.

Under your parents’ bed

Wait until your parents have fallen asleep in front of Strictly Come Dancing, then sneak upstairs and crawl under their bed. Once you’ve wriggled your way past your dad’s collection of top shelf men’s interest magazines, you’ll discover a treasure trove of gifts and toys, some of which are only for mummies though so don’t touch them. Seriously, you don’t know where they’ve been.

The car boot

One of the harder places to break into because your parents will lose their shit if they see you running towards their Volvo XC60 with the keys. They’ll assume you want to let the handbrake off again for a laugh, so try and wait until you’re being driven somewhere then crawl through the little hole in the back of the arm rest.

In dad’s special fun shed

You know the place, it’s sort of like dad’s tree house only it’s at the end of the garden and filled with old tins of paint. Your dad must find them entertaining though because he spends endless hours there, especially when your mum’s sister visits. Look behind the concrete paving slabs he’s hoarding for no apparent reason and you’re bound to find your presents.

Up in the attic

This one defies logic. Why would Santa go to the effort of storing his presents in your attic? And why are there all these receipts from Hawkin’s Bazaar and Amazon, don’t his elves build everything in their magical workshop? Better ask your parents to explain this mystery, they’ll be more than happy to have a thorny discussion about the logistics of Santa after a long day at work.

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