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The stoner's guide to staying baked all Christmas

PLANNING to spend the Christmas period off your tits on weed like every other time of the year? Here’s how it will be a memorable festive experience nonetheless.

Christmas Eve

Wake up, roll a spliff. You’ve rung in sick to work so some other mug can stack those Tesco shelves to the constant wailing of Mariah f**king Carey today. 

With nowhere to be and nothing to do, spend the entire afternoon binge-watching the Matrix movies while skinning up and eating crisps. Stick a few Turkey Twizzlers in the oven for dinner – it is Christmas after all. Fall asleep on the sofa in front of the telly, only waking just as Midnight Mass is finishing on the BBC.

One last toot then bed. You feel you’ve really got into the Christmas spirit today. 

Christmas Day

Wake up, roll a spliff. You’re going to your parents for the big lunch so you need to wrap everyone’s presents. You forgot gift tags, but everyone’s getting the same selection box of biscuits so it hardly matters. Unfortunately wrapping six presents while high takes f**king ages. There’s a few blim burns on the wrapping paper, but f**k it, it’s only going in the bin.

You’re keeping the ‘family time’ to two hours before making some half-arsed excuse no one will believe. You can’t spark up a reefer in the house, and every minute is time that could be better spent getting baked to buggery.

Get home and chain-smoke skunk while gorging on chocolate and watching your favourite Christmas movie, Up In Smoke. It’s weird how Cheech & Chong haven’t become a festive tradition.

Boxing Day

Wake up, roll a spliff. No need to leave the flat and there’s f**k all on telly, so play some suitably seasonal music. Maybe Morcheeba. Or Gong. 

It’s time to get on with the celebrations, so treat yourself to a vodka bong. Then peel your head off the ceiling and wonder how the hell it’s 7pm. Somehow there’s only crisps in to eat, but they’re perfectly nutritious and brimming with flavour after some weed.

Check the calendar and realise it’s Saturday tomorrow and you’ve got the weekend off. How should you spend it at this most special time of year? Ah, of course…

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Five people who are worse than me because they're hypocrites, actually, by Andrew

PORTRAYING me as the world’s worst person is lazy journalism. These people are way worse because they don’t practise what they preach.

Dame Judi Dench

Don’t let her sweet little old lady act fool you. When she’s not tricking everyone by pretending to be a national treasure, Dame Judi Dench is your average foul-mouthed luvvie type. She lies about being someone else for a living which means you shouldn’t trust her. At least I’m open and humble about my incredibly weird personal life.

Charity campaigners

These fundraising virtue signallers sicken me. If they really cared about financing wells in impoverished communities or helping abandoned dogs they’d make a cash donation from their own pocket. Relying on strangers to dig deep, especially during the cost of living crisis, is a gross mockery of human decency. Compared to them I’m as saintly as Christ himself.

Greta Thunberg

Greta talks a good game by sailing around the world instead of hopping on a flight. But if she really wanted to save the planet by reducing harmful emissions she should go Luigi Mangione on energy CEOs, anyone who drives a petrol car, and meat eaters. I’d have a fearful respect for her if she did that, rather than the boiling irritation I feel whenever I see her in the news.

Richard Osman

You really think Richard Osman is the heir to Stephen Fry as the nation’s beloved populist intellectual? Give me a break. He’s an AI sympathiser who shitcanned Pointless as soon as his profile rose to a suitable level. The fact that he now only presents the celebrity editions, to suckle on the stardom of his showbiz pals, tells you everything you need to know about this morally bankrupt so-called boffin.

Pope Leo XIV

Being the head of the Catholic church means that you need to be following its doctrine by the book. Yet Pope Leo XIV has been strangely silent when it comes to condemning same-sex relationships. Maybe he’s in the wrong job if he can’t follow the most basic tenets of Catholic ideology? Perhaps I should have a go at being the Pope, it’s already been proven that a shady sexual background is no barrier to entry.

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