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Six terrible lifelong sexual deviancies caused by delaying opening presents until after dinner

AS a psychologist, I see many life-ruining sexual deviancies that began in childhood because parents delayed the opening of the Christmas presents. I shall enumerate them:

The desire to be spanked

To not be allowed to open Christmas presents until 5pm, and even then to open them an agonising one-person-at-a-time, is a punishment. But it is a punishment coming from those you love, ie. parents. Is it any wonder, therefore, that middle-class children begin to associate love with punishment? And can only be fulfilled sexually via spankings? No.

Dressing as a gimp

The opacity of a present’s wrapping, and the unknowability of what lies beneath it, is all the child can think about. It consumes them. In adulthood this transfers to wishing to be such a hidden present, to wanting to veil oneself in that delectable mystery, and inevitably the wearing of a PVC gimp suit, particularly those who go into the legal profession.

Finding fulfilment in findom

Findom, or financial domination, means giving away money you cannot really afford to women online. It is hard to imagine who finds this arousing, until you meet those who were allowed no gifts until the pots were cleared and would give anything for a present like normal children, and now give everything away just for the forbidden thrill of it.

Frotting on public transport

Again the wrapping becomes a fixation, again to the detriment of forming successful relationships. This person, usually a high-powered City lawyer, becomes so obsessed with the wrapping he does not want it to come off and likewise rubs his clothed groin against strangers on the Hammersmith & City line until ejaculation. Eventually he is caught.

Becoming a Tory MP

Because the child believes it is normal – even that it makes you superior – to be tortured by those you love, he determines this is a moral pattern he should impose on others. So, naturally, he runs as a Conservative to discipline the public and show them gratification can only be obtained by following arbitrary rules, and is rock-hard throughout.

Autoanalingus

The sheer impossibility for the young mind of surviving from 5am through breakfast, through Carols from King’s, through a multi-course lunch and only then achieving gratification is mirrored in adulthood by an obsession with the impossible act of licking one’s own arse. Yet that is what these unfortunates are condemned to by their parents.

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Seven American Christmas traditions that make Britons think 'F**k that'

BRITAIN doesn’t mind being the victim of American cultural imperialism if it’s good stuff like The Wire. But some of their Christmas traditions are just too much for the average Brit.

Eggnog

You don’t put a raw egg in a glass of Prosecco, so why put it in this sickly Christmas drink that’s just sugary double cream? George Washington made his own eggnog, but he had wooden teeth. Coincidence? Unlikely. Actually his false teeth were probably ivory but stained brown so they were mistaken for wood, but neither make you desperate for a snog.

Pardoning turkeys

Thanksgiving is the unofficial start of the festive season, and includes giving a ‘pardon’ to a turkey. The more you think about this the more twisted it is. The turkey has not been charged with any crime, has been denied legal representation and has already been incarcerated for years in a hellish turkey shed. In addition, the US justice system under Trump is blatantly corrupt. When he’s finally gone the FBI should check the turkey pardoned in 2025 wasn’t involved in sex trafficking.

The Christmas pickle

A pickle ornament is hidden on the tree and the first child to find it gets an extra present or ‘good fortune’. Why, you might ask? To sell pickle ornaments, seems to be the answer. We had our fill of this opportunistic shit with the Elf on the Shelf, thanks.

S’mores 

Short for ‘some more’, although that may not be your desire if you’re not blown away by the idea of putting melted marshmallows and chocolate on a sweet cracker. As anyone who’s seen Americans preparing food on TikTok or YouTube knows, they think sticking together a bunch of processed food products and chilling or heating them constitutes cordon bleu cookery. It’s like making a pan of melted cheese, adding chicken soup and Monster Munch and calling it ‘my finest dish yet’.

Going to church but meaning it

Brits go to church at Christmas, but mainly because it feels wonderfully traditional. They’d be cool with Satan himself giving the sermon, so long as he’d put up some tinsel. Americans, however, believe God is closely watching over every family of twats in the Midwest and personally supports their army in every war they’re in. Why didn’t He just turn the Wehrmacht, Viet Cong and Taliban into pillars of salt then, you dense bastards?

Candy canes

These mint-flavoured Charlie Chaplin canes have no discernible connection to Christmas. Supposedly they were invented by a priest to symbolise a clergyman’s hooked staff, but that’s widely held to be bollocks. We can only conclude that candy canes are a cynical, arbitrary and inappropriate design serving no purpose other than to enrich sweet makers. If America invents strawberry-flavoured Zimmer frames you can shove those too. 

Mashed potato

Mash belongs underneath sausages, on the top of cottage pies, and inside fishcakes. It is not for Christmas, when crispy roast potatoes are the only choice. They’re soft inside, so you get the best of both potato worlds, and taste mildly of meat, as everything should. If Americans have any sense they’ll beg to be taken back under colonial rule and we could get rid of some of their other stupid traditions too, like putting maple syrup on perfectly good egg and bacon.

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