Cameron under threat from half-pissed nobody

Tories in turmoil after prime minister condemned by a tipsy loser you have never heard of.


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England expected to find cancer cure by January

THE England team is now expected to eradicate all disease over the next three months, it has been confirmed.

After the 1-0 win over Spain the training ground has been surrounded by parents hurling their sick children over the fence so Glen Johnson can cure them by shanking the child straight back over.

Fabio Capello said: “We’re trying to keep their feet on the ground by pointing out that if Spain had been even slightly arsed, Joe Hart would have had to handle more balls than a recently-evicted X Factor contestant negotiating a record deal.

“I asked John Terry to have a word with them but he just looked at me with a beatific smile and said that he defends in a mysterious way, his wonders to perform, before saying he forgives me for doubting him.

“I fucking hate this job.”

Wayne Hayes, a trumpet-playing arsehole with the England Supporter’s Band, has had a picture of Phil Jagielka tattooed onto his spine to treat his long-standing lumbago and has asked his GP to  give him a prescription for a white nylon shirt from JD Sports.

He has also called on the Vatican to consider making Wembley Stadium an alternative to Lourdes for people who might want their terminal illness cured while watching Bon Jovi.

Hayes said: “I used to think the England team were a motley collection of talentless egos united by a nominal geographic location but after shading a meaningless contest against uninterested opposition I’ll now be amazed if we don’t live forever.”