Jaguar owners voted most satisfied with themselves

British luxury car owners top smugness poll for 12th consecutive year.




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Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,

My colleagues don’t realise, but I’ve overheard them arranging a surprise birthday party for my 60th, even though I asked for no fuss. Do you think it would be fair for me to return the surprise by shouting that I despise every last one of them and wish they’d leave me the hell alone?



Dear Ted,

I’ve discovered recently that surprises aren’t always a good thing. For example, telling my granny that Last of the Summer Wine is not a reality show and that David Essex is now bald and ugly nearly finished the old buzzard off. Nor did my parents enjoy it when I jumped out of the wardrobe and interrupted daddy naked-wrestling mummy on the bed. However, I’m sure my teacher will be elated when she discovers the petrified dog turd we hid in her handbag yesterday when she wasn’t looking. We’ll just have to wait and see.


Hope that helps!