Paul Daniels to stick his hand in a toaster

MAGICIAN Paul Daniels is to spend three hours with his hand in a toaster.

As David Blaine enters the pulsating core of an electrical storm, Britain’s favourite teatime illusionist will insert his left hand into a toaster and keep it there until Antiques Roadshow comes on.

Other recent Daniels stunts include sitting outside a Post Office for five hours, wearing several hats at once and eating some ice cream really quickly.

The toaster will not be switched on.



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Crazed David Miliband picking off conference delegates

ED Miliband’s demented, disfigured brother is murdering delegates at the Labour Party conference.

There have been a spate of gruesome deaths this week at the Manchester Central conference centre, which initially seemed like tragic accidents.

However sightings of a masked figure with distinctively greying hair have confirmed the involvement of Ed Miliband’s insane, hate-consumed brother David.

Delegate Tom Logan said: “They found a makeshift lair in a cleaning cupboard beneath the venue. It contained creepy dolls, an old gramophone playing two bars of a scratched Vera Lynn record and a silver-framed picture of Ed and David together, with Ed’s drawn-on hand sticking a sword into David’s back.

“David is here, and he wants revenge.”

Once-promising David Miliband deliberately disfigured himself in a deep fat fryer ‘so I shall no longer see traces of Ed in the mirror’.

He disappeared shortly afterwards, although it is rumoured he was adopted by a family of rats from which he learned the arts of cunning and concealment.

Yesterday a heavy lighting rig fell onto the stage, narrowly missing Ed Miliband and luckily killing Ed Balls.

The incident was followed by maniacal cackling, seemingly coming from thin air.