Teenage girls deterred by Twilight film's poor reviews

TEEN girls have decided against seeing The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 after reading negative reviews in broadsheets.

13-year-old Emma Bradford said: “Writing in The Guardian, Peter Bradshaw described the film as ‘a tentative whimper which turns into a conditional bang’.

“Although I am an avowed Twi-hard and member of Team Edward, Bradshaw’s wry critique has left me convinced the franchise is on rocky artistic ground.

“The film also received poor notices in The Times and the good old Telegraph. Worrying indeed, and I think I shall be saving my pocket money for more cerebral pursuits.”



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Drones feel excluded from army life

UNMANNED drones have described being made to feel ‘different’ and ‘inferior’ by army comrades.

A report by the British Army also highlighted shocking instances of drone segregation, bullying and sexual harassment.

One unmanned, unnamed drone based in Helmand Province claimed that despite thousand of hours spent circling insurgents, when it came to meal-time back at base it was still ‘very much a case of us and them’.

It said: “I’ve been held down in my bed and beaten on the wings with a bar of soap stuffed into a sock, which is disgusting when you consider that we’re all fighting the same war.”

Another drone who gave his name as ‘Michael’ said: “We’d had a great day, just bombing the shit out of people and me and some of the guys were watching Crazy Stupid Love in the dorm when the conversation turned to Ryan Gosling.

“I said I found him objectively attractive.

“The next thing I knew they’d pinned me down, stripped me and painted a picture of me bumming Ryan Gosling onto my fuselage.

“Sometimes I just want to fly higher and higher until I explode.”