Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week you will be mocked for using tired 90s phrases. Hey, did you miss a meeting or something?
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
The release of the new Call Of Duty sees you wearing camouflage and burgling the homes of the silly bastards playing at being soldiers on their Xbox.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
The packet of chocolate buttons you bought five years ago were actually Benjamin Buttons so they should be fine to eat in about two years time.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Recent news has been full of the deeds of predatory paedophiles but you hear a lot less about the herbivorous ones.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
The blood tests, urine samples and scans have all come back negative so it turns out the general feeling of awfulness youve had for the last twelve months is just being alive.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your favourite song is by Sinead OCD Connor Its been 7 hours, 15 days, 6 minutes and 12 seconds since you took your love away…
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Saturn turns up on your doorstep this weekend, not so much like a bad penny as a sock full of them being swung menacingly into an open palm.
Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
House hunting can be tedious so why not slap the walls and ask the owner if theyd take a sex harness load in excess of 300lbs?
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Your new theme pub is a roaring success, as its theme is serving drinks cheaply and leaving you the fuck alone to get quietly shitfaced.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Youre too old to try extreme sports like base jumping so instead you drink three cups of coffee, eat half a dozen fig rolls then set off on your 75-minute commute home.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Does smoking a lot of skunk somehow makes you a radical free thinker, or just an unemployable slack-jaw with the muscle tone of a coma patient?
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Restart Now? Restart Later? Kick The Fucking Thing Onto A Motorway?