Who's who in the Royal Box

As Andy Murray thrashed the living daylights out of some pathetic foreigner, the Wimbledon Royal Box was once again a who’s who of people who are infinitely better than scum like you.

1. Britain’s most important owl  2. The Duchess of Sex  3. Balding, effeminate millionaire, married to the Duchess of Sex  4. All England Club vice-chairman Frank Otter  5. Parky  6. Mary Parky  7. The teacher from The Breakfast Club  8. Dracula, £250,000 a year vampire  9. Chairman Mao, £250,000 a year Chinese maniac  10. Good Life bombshell Felicity Kendal. What a shame.  11. Sheila from the canteen has snuck in again. Cheeky bitch.  12. Man with giant Afro  13. Fuck knows. Some arsehole probably.  14. Kate Middleton’s secret mum  15. Big Ian. Not to be trifled with.  16. Helena Bonham-Carter 17. Klaatu from The Day the Earth Stood Still. Not to be trifled with.  18. The Ghost of Wimbledon


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What hope for ugly people?

Dear Holly,
I’ve lost all faith in love. If TomKat can’t make it work, where’s the hope for us poor, ugly people?

Dear Gill,
When I found out that Tom Cruise had made up an entire religion, I was most impressed. I’m not an expert, because we’re only told about actual religious facts in school, like people walking on water and coming back from the dead, so to think that someone has based their entire existence on utter nonsense is remarkable.

Anyway, the story goes that back in the eighties Mimi Rogers was visited by an angel who told her that she would marry the messiah and also go on to win an Oscar for her role in Full Body Massage. She mentioned it to Tom who realised that he must be the one the angel was talking about: how else would a dyslexic with no pilot’s licence be able to fly a fighter jet? After the tragic loss of his best pal, Goose, Tom left the airforce, divorced Mimi and spent the next few years drinking Saki and learning the ways of the Samurai. It was during this time that he realised everyone else except him and David Icke was a lizard, and so he returned to Hollywood and set up his new cocktail bar-cum-church. But it was only a matter of time before the angel returned, appearing to Tom as a ginger Australian with nice legs. She agreed to marry him on the condition that he take her to weird dogging parties where people wear cloaks and creepy masks.

Not surprisingly, their marriage failed, so Tom got straight on the blower to Katie Holmes and asked her to let him fertilise her in return for a Broadway career. But now Katie is fed up of Suri kicking off every time they go to ASDA because she’s had too many Fruit Shoots. So she’s divorcing Tom and moving home to Dawson’s Creek, angering Tom and causing the onset of Armageddon. John Travolta has denied his homosexuality three times, Madonna and the Kabbalah are baying for sacrificial blood and so to avoid a holy war Tom must contact Mel Gibson, the Hollywood crucifixion guru, for advice on how to die a horrible death on the cross whilst maintaining sexy hair and rippling abdominals.

Hope that helps!