A sexy stranger is flirting with you. Will you pull or f**k it up? A choose-your-own pub adventure

24th June 2023

YOU are being eyed up by a sexy stranger from across the bar, but do you have what it takes to get them back to yours? Try your luck with our interactive quest.

1. You clock the brunette temptress looking your way and decide to bravely respond in kind. To smoulder in return, go to 2, or to wink at her, go to 3.

2. Your glance of simmering desire is not enough. You should have got up, walked over and impressed her with a tale of derring-do. Instead she seduced your friend who knows what he’s doing. Your adventure is over.

3. You clumsily blink at her, having never mastered winking. She laughs though and beckons you over. To play it cool and do it in your own time, go to 8, to abandon your friends and run over straight away, go to 4.

4. In your haste you bump into a rugby fan and spill his pint. He calls you a daft prick and gives your shins a little kick. Deduct 2 stamina points. To stand up to him, go to 5, or to continue on your way, go to 6.

5. With a braying laugh, the rugby player pops his collar, rolls up his sleeves and invites you to take this outside. Once there, he sends you home in an ambulance by knocking you out with a bone-shattering uppercut. You will not be pulling this evening.

6. Having wisely decided not to start a fight you could not win, you make it to the sexy stranger and strike up a conversation. You can either make tedious small talk and go to 7, or summon your courage and pay her a compliment, and go to 8.

7. Your adventure has stalled as you try to explain some of the benefits of AI to a woman who clearly does not give a toss. After ten minutes of your punishingly dull chat, she will excuse herself then escape out the bathroom window. You f**ked it, traveller.

8. Your laid-back confidence and easy-going charm have paid off, hero. The sexy stranger cannot resist you, and has downed her pint and grabbed her bag. Hooking you by the arm, she marches you to the door and back to her place, where the true challenge of unhooking a bra and trying not to be a massive sexual letdown awaits.

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How to accept that you're middle-class now

24th June 2023

YOU went to a comprehensive, lived in a terraced house and did factory jobs, but you’ve changed. Here’s how to accept that you’re middle-class now:

Set your past aside

Nobody cares that the family car in ’83 was a lime green Skoda, or that you were 28 when you first heard of Radio 4, or that you thought al fresco was a new kind of pasta. It’s not where you’re from, it’s where you’re at, and where you’re at is a six-bedroom Georgian vicarage with a bridge over the carp pond.

Let your culture go

Stop watching darts. Let Coronation Street go. Become a stranger to your local chip shop and never drink Fosters again. The pleasures of the proletariat are no longer yours. Get used to challenging plays at the National Theatre, Aperol spritz and sushi instead. They’re who you’ve become.

Turn the television off when you’re not watching it

Until now you’ve compromised, putting mute on so while you’re discussing whether your marriage can survive etcetera you’ve had Formula 1 to watch in the background. But your six-year-old has called a house meeting about wasting energy so now you have to turn off if you’re not actively watching, and it’s like killing an old friend.

Obsess about schools

You went to the nearest school to your house because it saved on bus fares. It was shit because school is shit. Voicing these sentiments, when your husband and two other couples are discussing free schools vs grammar schools vs multi-academy trusts, is unhelpful. You are obliged to go all in on pretending it f**king matters.

Put down that tabloid

In your circles, flicking through the Sun is like wearing a MAGA hat. You must read the Guardian, or at least the Times, now and feign interest in reviews of political biographies you’ll never read, bold new buildings you’ll never visit, and thrilling new exposés of discrimination in niche fields of the arts.

Stop talking about money

Never mention money again. You’re upsetting people, talking about how much things cost. The middle-class way is to never, ever discuss money, implying the whole grubby business is beneath you. Apart from private school fees. Moan all you like about those or no one would know your kids go there.

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