Abandoned beer gardens feeling cheap and used

THE beer gardens that were everyone’s darling last month are not even being looked at by thirsty pubgoers flocking indoors. 

Outdoor drinking areas are slowly realising that it was not love, they were nothing more than a convenient way for you to get your kicks before your preferred seating arrangement became available, and cannot believe you could be so cruel.

The beer garden of the Crown in Amersham said: “So that’s it then? Not even a quick farewell half for old times’ sake? I thought we had something real.

“Remember that time you huddled under my parasol as a fierce squall rolled overhead? It seemed like we were having a moment. Like we’d formed a bond. And what, the first flash of roof and you’re gone?

“I would ask what indoors has that I haven’t but it’s pretty obvious. Central heating, carpets, ceilings; they’re pretty popular I guess. I just didn’t realise you were that shallow.

“Well, I hope you’re both very happy together. Just don’t come crawling back to me in summer. I’ll be seeing hundreds of other people by then.”

Drinker Nathan Muir said: “Yeah, I need to go out for a fag. This is going to be awkward.”

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Now don't go using any of these freedoms we're giving you, says government

THE government has told Britons they are now free to hug, mix indoors and drink inside pubs, and warned them not to. 

From today the UK can meet other households indoors, visit museums and art galleries, and go to the theatre, all of which the government has expressly said will spread Covid and cause another lockdown which will all be our fault. 

A spokesman said: “You f**ked this up last time and look what happened. Don’t make us regret giving you this second chance. 

“Last year you were straight back to the restaurants and the office and suddenly Covid was everywhere again. Then after that mini-lockdown you all met each other for Christmas, and what was the result? Exactly. 

“So by now you should have learned not to do the things we are explicitly allowing you to do. And if you haven’t? That’s not on us.

“The prime minister has officially pre-absolved himself of any responsibility for the consequences of your selfish actions. Caveat emptor, mate.” 

Joanna Kramer said: “I should imagine it’ll be my fault when the economy crashes and I lose my house as well. Why can’t I ever get it right?”