EVER wondered what the real story behind that leaving email is? Here’s how to decode the boss’s bullshit platitudes:
Martin has decided to pursue other opportunities
Martin got fired.
Martin’s last day is today
There was an almighty row and Martin called me a tosser, so his notice has mysteriously morphed into an immediate departure. Technically he’s on gardening leave. Try to ignore that for being an arsehole, he’s earning the same as you working your arse off for two months.
I’d like to thank Martin for all his contributions to the team
Martin rolled his eyes daily on Zoom for nearly a year, insisted we ordered him a special ergonomic chair, and once brought back some strange sweets after that conference in Amsterdam. Does any of that count?
Martin will be spending more time with his family
I have no idea how Martin is still married. Especially after that conference in Amsterdam.
We wish Martin the best of luck for the future
The reference I am writing Martin will ensure that even the most indiscrimate shit-shovelling subcontractor will think twice about taking him on.
We will advise you shortly who will take on Martin’s work
You are taking on Martin’s work.