How to decode a leaving email

EVER wondered what the real story behind that leaving email is? Here’s how to decode the boss’s bullshit platitudes:

Martin has decided to pursue other opportunities

Martin got fired.

Martin’s last day is today

There was an almighty row and Martin called me a tosser, so his notice has mysteriously morphed into an immediate departure. Technically he’s on gardening leave. Try to ignore that for being an arsehole, he’s earning the same as you working your arse off for two months.

I’d like to thank Martin for all his contributions to the team

Martin rolled his eyes daily on Zoom for nearly a year, insisted we ordered him a special ergonomic chair, and once brought back some strange sweets after that conference in Amsterdam. Does any of that count?

Martin will be spending more time with his family

I have no idea how Martin is still married. Especially after that conference in Amsterdam.

We wish Martin the best of luck for the future

The reference I am writing Martin will ensure that even the most indiscrimate shit-shovelling subcontractor will think twice about taking him on.

We will advise you shortly who will take on Martin’s work

You are taking on Martin’s work.

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Five annoying bellends you forgot are always at the cinema

GOING to the cinema? Contain your excitement by remembering these insufferable bellends will also be there:

Talking loudly bellend

The staple of every cinema, this thundering bastard will be sat somewhere near the back to benefit from the acoustics. Their opinions will drown out whatever’s happening on screen, even if it’s a sequence of deafening explosions in THX surround sound. Expect them to be with a surprisingly hard mate when you turn around to tell them to shut the f**k up.

Arriving late bellend

There’s always that one bellend who turns up 20 minutes into the film, squeezes past you to get a seat, stepping on your foot and spilling their cherry slushie over you as they do it. If you had your own miserable way the doors would be bolted shut the second the trailers begin. They count.

On their phone bellend

This bellend is easy to spot because they’re essentially waving around a blinding torch in a darkened room. They’re not recording the film or photographing a jaw-dropping moment, instead they’ve decided that a screening of Tenet is the perfect opportunity to scroll Twitter and roadtest ringtones.

Going to the loo bellend

Once is acceptable. Twice is pushing it. This bellend leaps out of their seat every ten minutes to stomp for a piss. And don’t worry, they’ll ask their mate what they’ve missed on their return and even though they’re both whispering you’ll pick up every single word.

Couple making out bellends

Sexual contact is always going to be more tempting than whatever Hollywood crap’s rattling through the projector, but for all they’re seeing of the film, these bellends may as well be in the foyer. Their smacking lips are also an annoying reminder that Godzilla vs. Kong would be way better if the titular duo had channelled their animosity into city-wrecking lizard-ape sex.

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