THE Voter ID Bill is nothing compared to these ways of proving you’re a UK resident. Take these items to the polling station:
It is illegal to live in the British isles without a kettle, and the old ladies manning the polling lists will immediately be able to spot a genuine resident by checking whether it’s still warm from your last cuppa. Ideally, display signs of agitation that, having finished your last hot drink three minutes ago, you are currently unable to boil it for the next one.
National Trust membership card
Having a special card that allows you to waste your weekends trudging around tedious old manor houses proves you’re a true Brit. Using this as ID will appeal to the Tories, as 90 per cent of National Trust members are rich boomers with large pensions who think a Labour government would force them to become trans.
Bag for life
As a proper, responsible, guilt-ridden British person you own a bag for life. In fact, you have about 30 stashed away under the sink, all carefully folded. Reject the Lidl bags and take the Waitrose one to the polling station so your fellow voters treat you with deference and respect.
Jar of Marmite
Other cultures have a vast range of delicious jams and preserves to put on toast, but the British favour a sludgy brown by-product of beer brewing to spread on theirs. Arrive at the polling station clutching a jar and you’ll be waved through instantly as no one from another country would even touch anything so disgusting.
Copy of The Sun
Only British people consider a hysterically right-wing comic with very large writing to be a good news source, so carrying a copy of The Sun is an easy way to prove your nationality. It’s also an easy way to demonstrate you’re going to vote for UKIP, even if they barely exist anymore.