Sorry you've had an ugly baby: five greeting cards society sorely needs

STRUGGLING to find the right words on awkward occasions? These are the cards we desperately need to help us express ourselves:

Sorry you’ve had an ugly baby

Even if the child in question is undeniably arse-faced or looks like Star Wars co-pilot Nien Nunb, you can’t come out and say it to the parents’ faces. With the help of a twee card you can address the elephant in the room in a tasteful way. Don’t expect to be asked to be a godparent.

Congratulations on the shit bedsit

Homeowners shouldn’t be the only people congratulated on getting a new place. With young people unable to buy for the foreseeable future, there’s a gap in the market for cards that celebrate renting overpriced bedsits with mould up the walls. With messages like ‘Good luck sleeping in the same room as a fridge!’

Thinking of how much I hate you

We all have people in our lives who we loathe with every fibre of our being but have to pretend to like. By exchanging hateful cards we could set the record straight and clear the air. It’s no more of a bullshit idea than Valentine’s Day, after all.

Hooray! Your ex was a f**king nightmare

When a friend finally dumps someone who was an absolute bellend, it’s nice to be able to celebrate by sending them a card that expresses just how much you disliked them. Maybe give it a few days though, in case they’re still feeling raw about it all or take the f**ker back.

Good luck at your family gathering

There are cards wishing people luck before jobs and surgery, so why not another common ordeal that’s equally as harrowing? Anyone about to go to a barbecue with their in-laws or a camping weekend with their nephews would be grateful for your best wishes.

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They’re all 'real fires', wankers told

WANKERS who wank on about having a real fire have been informed that burning gas is not in any way fake. 

Anyone who believes that their wood-burning or coal-burning fire is more authentic than a mere gas fire has been invited to put their hand into the flames and see if it feels inauthentic then.

Joe Turner of Bristol said: “It’s a fire. Fire’s fire. It doesn’t discriminate between social classes.

“Yes, if you’ve got a three-bar electric I understand the distinction, but if there’s a flickering flame then it doesn’t particularly matter what’s fuelling it. Does your cherrywood smoke smell nicer? What are you doing, sticking your head in and inhaling deeply?

“And these real fire dickheads are always the ones so concerned about the environment while sticking a load of carbon in the atmosphere in a very real, direct way. You’re cutting down trees then burning them. Not a problem for you at all?

“My gas fire heats the room. Your wood fire heats the room. Yes, yours is slightly nicer to look at, in a primitive caveman way. But they’re both fires.”

Wood-burner owner Julian Cook said: “Ah, but yours isn’t a real fire is it? Not really real, like mine.”