Cinemagoers booked in to see any old shit

CINEMAGOERS thrilled to see films on the big screen again from Monday have already booked to see whatever shit is on. 

People for whom the TV is not big enough are queuing up to see Peter Rabbit 2, Godzilla vs Kong and some bollocks with Angelina Jolie as a firefighter that even Netflix would not touch.

Tom Booker of Crewe said: “I am going to watch some absolute bargain-basement celluloid floor-sweepings over the next two months, and I cannot wait.

“Until Hollywood’s sure there’s not going to be a third lockdown – that second one last November’s been declared non-canon, like the Ed Norton Hulk – they’re not going to release anything good. And I for one don’t give a shit.

“I’ll be seeing crappy Marvel movies, crappy DC movies, crappy movies based on Disney theme park rides, Fast & Furious f**king 9, and any other shit they throw at me.

“Then finally the pandemic will be officially over globally with the release of the James Bond movie, which like any fifth Bond film with the same actor will be utter gadget-laden tripe and a low point for the whole franchise.

“I couldn’t f**king care less. I just want to get out of the f**king house.”

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Wheelies and four other childhood skills that are useless as an adult

DID you spend hours of your youth perfecting a skill that became entirely pointless when you grew up? Like one of these?

Jumping from a swing

Whoever could jump the farthest from a moving swing was a playground god, due to the courage it took to master such an incredible stunt. When you subsequently attempted to show off this skill as a drunk adult, it ended not with the adulation of your peers but a broken wrist and a trip to A&E.

Magic tricks

You spent hours in your room studiously learning how to make a long coloured handkerchief appear from your sleeve. This skill had one public outing at a school talent show where you mildly embarrassed your parents, and, as adults who do magic are creepy, it’s never seen the light of day again.


In the world of young teenagers, there is nothing cooler than being able to wheelie the entire length of your local Tesco carpark, especially if you’ve just nicked some chewing gum. If you are still doing this in your twenties it’s just tragic, will lose you friends and will gain you a pathetic criminal record.

Skipping Rope

Being able to repetitively jump over a rotating piece of rope was a surefire way to earn the respect of your mates in primary school, especially if you sang a song whilst doing it. But unless you grew up to become a professional boxer there’s zero practical use for this ability by the time you have a mortgage.


There was a time where nothing seemed more important than being able to make a small plastic disc bounce up a piece of string and master complex tricks like The Sleeper. Fair play if you could do it, but try putting ‘proficient at yo-yoing’ on your CV and see how far you get.