Man still not entirely sure what's in a Holland & Barrett

DESPITE the store being a mainstay on UK high streets, a man is still not sure what a Holland & Barrett actually is.

Roy Hobbs has walked past a Holland & Barrett at least twice a week for two decades but remains mystified about whether it is a chemist, a posh grocery shop or somewhere a teenager would buy a bong.

Hobbs said: “I’ve never been in, but from what I can figure out it sells food that is almost normal, but has a weird twist. So you can buy a small jar of honey for thirty quid or crisps made of lentils.

“And then there’s the wacky stuff that sounds as if it’s from a witch doctor’s shopping list and you buy in big tubs, like ginseng or powdered owl beaks. Sort of like Diagon Alley, but with strip lighting and aggressive up-selling.”

Hobbs’ wife Margaret added: “I’ve been told it’s a place that sells healthy pills and dusts to Guardian readers trying to and make up for the fact they were all pissheads in their 20s.

“If I want to mess around with powders, I’ll have a cup of Ovaltine, thank you very much.”

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Sexual tension between strangers on bus broken by stench of piss from back seat

A BUDDING romance between two bus passengers has been ruined by the vile aroma of urine emanating from the vehicle’s rear.

Attractive brunette Lucy Parry, who was sharing a seat with Martin Bishop, tumbled into his bulging arms when the bus turned a sharp corner, and attraction instantly blossomed.

Witness Nikki Hollis said: “It was like something from a romcom, lots of eye contact and batting of lashes. But then their noses started twitching and scrunching, which doesn’t happen in the final scene of Four Weddings.

“It hit him first, her a second after. You could see the horror register in their eyes, as their dreamy moment was ruined by the stinking reality of being on a piss-sodden bus in the suburbs of Hull.

“The allure that had built up between them was shot to shreds. Things got even worse when a mystery stream of liquid slowly crept up the aisle towards her open-toed shoes, causing her to change seats.

“Personally, whoever produced that smell is a hero of mine. Gave those attractive bastards a cold shower. A cold, golden shower.”