ARE you blowing cash on pointless nonsense like alcohol-free gin when you may as well just have a Diet Coke? You’ve probably bought these others too.
Alcohol-free gin
People might waffle on about the delicious botanical properties of gin, but ultimately it could taste like methylated spirits and they’d still drink it if it got them pissed. What’s the point of blowing £20 on an alcohol-free version when you could buy three cases of Diet Coke instead? You’ll just look like a twat and be out of pocket.
Nosecco
Does it taste fruity? Or perhaps of elderflower? Or mainly of nothing with a slight hint of cat’s piss? It’s definitely the latter, and all it will do is make you gassy and burpy without the added benefit of getting you drunk. Even the name is a terrible pun that no intelligent human should associate themselves with.
Zero per cent white wine
Unless you can afford a decent bottle, all white wine tastes like Satan’s urine after he’s had a night out on the lash. Remove the alcohol content and it becomes not only nasty but also utterly pointless. Seriously, just have a glass of the 1980s designated driver’s favourite, Shloer. People will think you’re less of a weirdo.
Hard seltzer
While some people want non-alcoholic drinks that taste like booze, others want boozy drinks that taste like they’re alcohol-free, hence the popularity of hard seltzer. Unfortunately, if it tastes like fruity sparkling water you’ll be necking it like Appletiser, and be shitfaced before you’ve even taken your coat off.
Low-alcohol craft beer
Craft beer is made for enthusiasts who love spending their evenings in deep discussion about hop flavours and yeast combinations. Unfortunately low alcohol craft beer has zero mouthfeel and tastes like sweetened water, so there’s no point in drinking it. Have a can of Fanta instead. You must surely get some sort of buzz from that much sugar.
