Five things men never take for granted

MEN are often accused of being uncaring and thoughtless. Here are five examples that prove otherwise, sort of.

A bargain

Men cherish price reductions, whether eight almost out-of-date lasagnas are needed or not. He will always proudly tell you ‘the bargain story’ like a caveman showing you a dead deer. A good bargain is a sign of virility, and men may well engage in a ‘bargain-measuring contest’. Above all he’s really stuck it to ‘big retail’ with that £6 blazer Next had written off as landfill.

Good advice

A DIY tip, a good shortcut, or even a half-decent joke will make the giver a trustworthy advisor. The advice will then be stolen as the man’s own information, and circulated to anyone who’ll listen. He’ll embellish it to add personal authenticity and disguise it being plagiarised – though the excessive detail may give the game away. It’s all a bit of a palaver over handy places to park in Crewe.

Their achievements

Whether it was coming second in the local pub pool league 14 years ago, or having trials for a tier nine football team when they were eight, a man’s achievements will never be taken for granted. ‘Salesperson of the month, February 2013’ is particularly impressive, along with any flattering interest from random females, even if he’s reading way too much into it.

Their mates

Mates, even if they’re twats, are a bedrock of a man’s life. They’re regularly bonded with over football on a pub TV, and may congregate to perform repair tasks on each other’s houses or cars. All will have great expertise on many topics from windscreen wipers to the war in Ukraine. They’re clearly talking bollocks, but a mutual pact of silence over this is what mates are for.

Their hobbies

Whether it’s trains or trainers, nothing but the best will do for a man’s hobby: the most up-to-date running gadgets, a frighteningly expensive Intercity train that’s five inches long. There’ll be genuine Tuscan buffalo mozzarella for the stone-built pizza oven, which is odd when he fails at simple tasks like replacing his 15-year-old boxer shorts, but it’s all part of the joy of being a man.

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Rishi Sunak's guide to pretending none of this is happening

EVERYTHING’S fine, that’s the news! The strikers will get bored eventually! The cold’s a blip, there won’t be blackouts, and my party will warm to me!

I’m Rishi Sunak, the prime minister of these islands, and I am relieved to tell you that Britain is motoring along smoothly toward a fantastic Christmas.

Strikes? You know what public sector workers are like. They strike over nothing, the prima donnas. Try to reduce the number of pens they steal and it’s ‘Everybody out!’ 

Yes, there are quite a few strikers. Bloody loads, if you’re in a counting mood. But, like a child demanding a treat at the till – no Anoushka, you can’t have another Hermes scarf – you just have to say ‘No’.

Once they realise I don’t give in to pressure, the strikers will pack up their pickets and settle happily back to work as if all this nonsense never happened, so effectively it isn’t happening.

In the Commons? There I stood firm against pressure by agreeing a compromise on housing targets. My MPs get what they want, and I got to keep my record of no defeats. So again nothing happened. Who needs houses anyway? More than four are a burden.

The cold? Well, this is a cold country and proud of it, so it’s not worth mentioning in any context. Gas bills that are slightly higher, 96 per cent or so, are a marvellous incentive to go green and turn the heating down or off.

And cutting usage means there’s more to go around for everyone so there won’t be blackouts! It’s a self-solving problem! It cancels itself out and never took place!

So there you go, Britain. All that stuff you’re concerned about? Not real! Well, that’s my job done for the month. See you in January!