MOST of England will be covered by amber heat health alerts for the next three days. How does that translate to lager consumption? Dr Helen Archer explains:
Good morning. As you are no doubt aware, and haven’t only just begun to pay attention to, the UK is covered by a four-tier alert system. And for each of those tiers, a certain level of lager-based hydration is recommended.
A Green health alert is for summer preparedness. The risk is minimal, but nonetheless be ready for lunchtime drinking sessions, keep an eight-pack of Red Stripe chilled at home and weekends may see you drink up to ten pints while wearing a bucket hat.
A Yellow alert means watchfulness, especially for those with medical conditions such as lager deficiency, sweating heavily or a driving ban. If you are affected, plan ahead by doing a run to the supermarket and storing six crates of Stella in a dark, quiet garage.
The Amber alert we are currently experiencing has an impact across all areas of sobriety. Lunchtime drinking is mandatory, especially for homeworkers who are too often the silent victims of heatwaves. Refuse to allow them in meetings until they have cracked a can.
After-work drinking is recommended, in order to absorb the heat stress of the commute, and all social stigma attached to urinating in a bottle on the Manchester-Stockport train is temporarily lifted.
Once home, anyone with a garden or balcony is required to set up there for the night. Approximately 500ml of lager should be taken every 30 minutes, as if there were football on. Maintain a respectful level of intoxication until at least sunset for your own safety.
A Red heat health alert, which is yet to happen, would indicate a significant risk to life even for the healthily lagered-up. An 8am Special Brew would be issued by the government and an information campaign encouraging drinking alone launched.
Thankfully, we remain on Amber. So spend these next few days drinking an average of 12 to 24 lagers per day and you should be fine. And, if you can, try to enjoy it.
