Dad takes kids on educational trip to beer garden

A FATHER has treated his children to a half-term educational visit to one of Cambridgeshire’s best-kept beer gardens. 

Joseph Turner, aged 42, has taken his sons on a special day out to a country pub where they will learn how to carry a round, the benefits of setting up a tab, and which snacks go with which beer.

He said: “It’s a lovely old day so I thought I’d combine sunshine with learning. They’ll need to know this stuff when they’re older.

“A trip to the pub is much more beneficial for kids than a farm or another sodding National Trust. Here they’ll pick up life skills like avoiding drunks, jostling to the front of a crowded bar and never overpaying for a guest IPA.

“If they’re well-behaved I’ll even demonstrate the effect of alcohol consumption on my speech and physical coordination. That’s more valuable than some bollocks about George III and rood screens.

“They can have as much lemonade as they want, mix with other kids on the bouncy castle the landlord’s put up to give blokes like me an excuse, and it’s Domino’s for tea. Tell me that doesn’t beat a bronze age village or whatever the f**k.”

Nine-year-old son Tom said: “It’s brilliant. I’ve begged dad to bring us back next weekend and he seems really up for it.”

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Anneka Rice, and six other slightly nostalgic wanks

SOMETIMES it’s nice to go home. Unzip and remember former passions with these comforting wanks of times past: 

Anneka Rice

Her shows seemed outdated even in the 80s, she sustained an improbable career of outsourcing work to others while having an arse in a jumpsuit, but there’s a certain cosiness to her gap-toothed smile that keeps viewers going back to fond memories with their hands down their trousers.

Pan’s People 

Individually varied, but much more than the sum of their parts, the dancers who shook their collective bootys before the pop video existed catered to a wide range of possible fantasies. Stick on an old Top of the Pops where the presenter hasn’t been YewTreed, lay back and finish within three minutes.

Peter Andre

Not the shop-worn version of today, selling his own life faster than he can live it, but the sun-kissed exotic beneath a waterfall of 1996. No men had six-packs then. It wasn’t thought they could be achieved under British conditions. Andre was like an alien.

Carol Vorderman 

Two large ones please, Carol. And indeed they were, though not as large as now. While Rachel Riley more than suffices in the present day, there is something comforting about vintage Carol in a simpler time. Try not to let your strokes be affected by the sound of the Countdown clock.

Eric Cantona

All of that bad boy appeal and French? Mystifying and violent? Incredibly talented yet dedicating it to the undoubted evil of Manchester United winning everything? Those eyebrows? As he imperiously turns up his collar, you meekly slip down your pants.

Lalla Ward

A classic beauty in episodes of Doctor Who that are best hazily remembered rather than actually watched, she provided mini-skirted masturbatory inspiration for generations. Since married Tom Baker and Richard Dawkins, if you want to try and work that in.

Kim Wilde

The pout that launched a thousand wet dreams while incongrously singing about illegal bombing missions to Cambodia, a single lip-synching performance kept you going for weeks. Even now when her version of Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree comes on you press mute, close the door and wank wistfully away.