The life lessons I've learned from Succession, by the Prince of Wales

HELLO, subjects. Because I’m normal like everyone, I’ve been closely watching docu-soap Succession for tips on deposing one’s father without anyone noticing. I picked up these: 

Keep idiot younger brothers happy with important-sounding jobs like the Invictus Games. Ignore meaningless chatter about killing the Taliban.

Marrying a woman whose family works for a living can be unsettling. Be supportive when their parents’ business folds, owing the taxpayer £220,000. This is what taxes are for.

When your father is caught saying ‘This is as well-choreographed as dogs f**king on roller skates’ in the Coronation coach, it is your duty to ignore it.

Remember he’s on hand to help with covering up careless crimes. Much as Kendall Roy let a waiter drown and got away with it, I’m indebted to my father for clearing up a fracas that now didn’t happen. Why else would I smilingly open leisure centres in Milton Kenyes?

Always keep leverage over close family members. In my family, as with the Roys, one is spoilt for choice.

Secret meetings with dad about titles and allegiances are normal, and always negotiate over titles. Co-COO? Do I look like Prince f**king Edward to you?

Note to self for Uncle Andrew: if you’re ever giving a eulogy for someone dubious, it is fine to simply confirm the existence of the deceased, the names of his relatives and the fact they are now ‘sad’.

Never perform an 80th birthday rap wearing a Team Charles T-shirt. Order a compromised subject, eg Dizzee Rascal, to do it in your stead.

Check Papa always has the right pen, so he doesn’t get annoyed, and so there is never any doubt about whether one’s name is underlined or crossed out.

Spice up tedious Firm gatherings with colourful language. Kate and I practise incorporating fun slogans like ‘Buckle up, f**klehead!’ into everyday conversation.

If in doubt, get your father’s love by doing whatever he needs. If asked why, simply respond, ‘because Dad told me to.’ Nobody can question that.

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That doesn't live there, screeches woman who made up where things go and never told anyone

A WOMAN who has invented a system of storing items known only to her is furious at her family for not following it. 

Fastidious tidier Donna Sheridan routinely upbraids her husband and children for placing objects in locations that make sense but do not conform to strict rules she has not shared.

She said: “Bottles of shower gel live on the right hand corner of the bath, not the f**king left. How many times do I have to relocate them while hissing in annoyance?

“The telly remotes live next to the DVD player, not in front of it, medium-sized mugs only go on the middle shelf, and best T-shirts go in the top drawer and the second-best go in the third drawer. How is that not obvious?

“I shouldn’t have to spell out where everything lives. It’s all been arbitrarily designated and laid down in a system I have never outlined verbally or in writing, so why everyone gets it wrong I don’t know.

“All everyone needs to do is read my mind and leave things exactly as they found them. After all, this home isn’t to be lived in. It’s a shrine to order.”

Husband Martin said: “Pretty rich coming from someone who puts bowls on the bottom shelf of the dishwasher like a f**king idiot.”