This Morning to be taken off air after discovery presenter has had sex

ITV has admitted This Morning cannot carry on after the revelation that one of its presenting team has had sex. 

Viewers have agreed that the show’s anodyne, neutered charm has been forever tainted by learning that the man who sat on that very couch had engaged in dirty business.

Committed daytime viewer Margaret Gerving said: “What next? Has Holly done it, too?

“I had no issue with Phil coming out as gay in 2020 because I assumed that, like all decent gay men, he never actually did it. I mean look at Rylan. You’re not telling me he’s got a cock. Down there he’s nothing but smooth.

“But if Phil’s actually used his genitalia? How can I believe he’s actually interested in this season’s maxi-dresses or light summer salads when he’s known real carnal bliss? How can anyone?

“That’s why Richard and Judy were the dream presenters. You could never believe they’d ever actually made love to each other. And even they had to go when she got drunk and flashed her tits at the National TV Awards.”

This Morning, viewers of the show and Britain’s media have confirmed they are pretending that John Leslie never happened.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Woman's gay best friend can't f**king stand her

A WOMAN who claims to have a gay best friend actually vaguely knows a homosexual man who does not like her, it has emerged.

Joanna Kramer firmly believes that pal Jack Browne is her loyal homosexual sidekick, as seen on TV, who loves nothing more than to hear about her problems while mixing negronis.

She said: “Jack and I are just fabulous together! We have so much in common, like fancying Chris Hemsworth and loving Abba. We’re like twin souls!

“Our shopping trips and our prosecco brunches, where I unload about my dating nightmares and he shows me all the men he’s meeting on Grinder, are legendary. We’re trading sassy clapbacks!

“It just makes you wonder why all the good ones are gay? Honestly if he wasn’t, I’d marry him.”

Jack said: “Best friends? What the f**k is she on about?”

“We only meet up every three months and even then she doesn’t know the first thing about me. All our conversations revolve around her and her boring love life. And I hate brunch and do all my shopping online because I’m not a minor character from Sex And The City.

“Honestly? I’d take straight-up homophobia over being best mates with Joanna. At least the homophobes get drunk and blow you.”