THE arrival of summer means it’s time for the annual visit of a travelling funfair. Here are some ways in which it will be dreadful:
Dodgems
A useful experience for those wishing to find out about the effects of mild concussion. Under a live electric mesh canopy, tiny cars are hurtled around by maniacs and apprentice Audi drivers, gleefully ignoring the name of the ride and colliding as hard as possible with everyone, including grannies and small children.
Waltzer
Sitting in a booth that spins around on its central axis while rapidly orbiting another central axis is a vile experience. Add in the sensory overload of blaring music, flashing lights and a grinning bloke spinning the booths even faster, and you’ll definitely want to vomit. But that doesn’t stop you going back for more each year.
Round Up
Also known as Zero Gravity or the Biscuit Tin, this ride has no straps or buckles and relies solely on centrifugal force to pin you in place as it spins rapidly around. Will it fall off its axle and send you rolling to your death in a nearby housing estate? It looks like it was built in 1952, so it’s a distinct possibility.
Hook-a-duck
A rubbish fishing game that your youngest is desperate to try as they might win a teddy. However, they have little dexterity and the game is obviously fixed in some way, so you end up with a bitterly disappointed child having a massive tantrum in 30 degree heat. Not fun. Not fun at all.
Hideous food
There is nothing available to eat that isn’t disturbingly high in sugar, saturated fat or salt, but the children refuse to consume the sandwiches you thoughtfully packed when surrounded by all these delicious treats. They eat a dinner of hot dogs, candy floss and sticks of rock, before going on something called The Terror Twister and then being copiously sick in the car.
