Five local funfair experiences that are pretty f**king far from fun

THE arrival of summer means it’s time for the annual visit of a travelling funfair. Here are some ways in which it will be dreadful:


A useful experience for those wishing to find out about the effects of mild concussion. Under a live electric mesh canopy, tiny cars are hurtled around by maniacs and apprentice Audi drivers, gleefully ignoring the name of the ride and colliding as hard as possible with everyone, including grannies and small children.


Sitting in a booth that spins around on its central axis while rapidly orbiting another central axis is a vile experience. Add in the sensory overload of blaring music, flashing lights and a grinning bloke spinning the booths even faster, and you’ll definitely want to vomit. But that doesn’t stop you going back for more each year.

Round Up

Also known as Zero Gravity or the Biscuit Tin, this ride has no straps or buckles and relies solely on centrifugal force to pin you in place as it spins rapidly around. Will it fall off its axle and send you rolling to your death in a nearby housing estate? It looks like it was built in 1952, so it’s a distinct possibility.


A rubbish fishing game that your youngest is desperate to try as they might win a teddy. However, they have little dexterity and the game is obviously fixed in some way, so you end up with a bitterly disappointed child having a massive tantrum in 30 degree heat. Not fun. Not fun at all.

Hideous food

There is nothing available to eat that isn’t disturbingly high in sugar, saturated fat or salt, but the children refuse to consume the sandwiches you thoughtfully packed when surrounded by all these delicious treats. They eat a dinner of hot dogs, candy floss and sticks of rock, before going on something called The Terror Twister and then being copiously sick in the car.

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Millennial thinks he's almost ghosted enough women to settle down

A MAN thinks the time is coming stop to f**king around ghosting all of his dates and choose one to get to know a bit, it has emerged.

Jack Browne, 29, has spent years disappointing countless women and has decided the moment is almost right to stop freaking out and ignoring them when they show a genuine interest in him.

Browne said: “Some of my friends have started to do weird things like getting married and having babies, which got me thinking that there might be more to relationships than leading someone on and then going suddenly and mysteriously silent when they suggest doing something that doesn’t involve drinking and sex.

“I suppose that means I’ll have to develop some feelings or something. You know, actually find out about their lives and personalities rather than just shagging them a few times and jumping ship.

“I can probably do that. When? Sometime pretty soon I reckon. I’ve just got a few more unsolicited dick pics and aubergine emojis to get out of my system first.”

Lauren Hewitt, who went on three dates with Browne, said: “Oh, that dickhead. He thinks he ghosted me after the first time we shagged but there was no way it was going any further after I’d seen his Spurs duvet cover.”