BRITISH, but strutting around in an Inter Milan shirt like you’re something special? Did you know your chosen garment also reveals what kind of twat you are?
Real Madrid
Being a Manchester United fan wasn’t loathsome enough for you. You had to step it up to being despised by a whole continent, so you switched when Ronaldo did. Easier to lord it over Liverpool when you’ve won 14 European Cups, and you really like watching all the top teams and deciding which of their players you’ll have next.
Barcelona
It isn’t their achievements you wish to associate your fat Essex-born self with, it’s their philosophy. Elegant, stylish, committed to the elevation of the creative spirit, you are Barca and Barca are you. Like them you’re mortgaged to the f**king hilt to live an aspirational lifestyle you cannot afford.
Paris Saint-Germain
You’ve chosen to be the baddies. A glittering array of teams before you and you went ‘Who’s the most evil? That one.’ The team known for dominating the French league like cyborgs from the future while dismally and predictably failing everywhere else. Much as you’re known throughout the Swindon area but only as an arsehole.
Inter Milan
You’re not Italian, no, but you feel you have something of that Latinate swagger, that Vespa braggadocio. That you and the Pope could converse on equal terms. And Inter, with their sophistication and world-weary superiority, are very much who you emulate while pushing the trolley around Makro bulk-buying toilet paper.
Bayern Munich
Proudly boring, monotonously successful, you drive a German car, shop in a German supermarket and believe in efficiency above all other things. Were the Nazis efficient? That’s not a conversation you’re interested in having right now. Though you do like to read books about tank movements.
Union Berlin
F**king hipster bellend.
