Doncaster celebrates 20 years of wine

DONCASTER is marking the 20th anniversary of wine being introduced to the city’s pubs, shops and supermarkets.

The city council approved the beverage for local people by a narrow majority in 2003, despite its fancy southern connotations. It has proved moderately successful, with Chardonnay the latest variety launched in 2021.

Pub landlord Tom Logan said: “I was as skeptical as anyone when it was brought in. I thought it was a drink for people that write poetry and go to France.

“We’ve sold the full range, still do, both red and white. But not the pink stuff. There are no homosexuals in Doncaster, so there’s no call for it.

“I was amazed at the effect that just four pints had on some of the punters. The brewery strongly suggested I stick to the recommended measurements, and after trying a couple of pints myself, I reluctantly agreed. For a pansy drink, it’s strong stuff.”

It is hoped by the wine industry that the success story of Doncaster will encourage other towns and cities in the north to take up wine as a beverage of choice.

However, Norman Steele, who runs the Crown and Sceptre in Macclesfield, said: “Over my dead body and the dead body of every other publican in Macclesfield. We’re not serving that effeminate piss.”

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Local death yields excellent haul at charity shop

THE death of a local resident has provided a charity shop with an excellent selection of secondhand books, clothes and records, it has emerged.

After Bill McKay, aged 68, expired, his worldly goods showed up in the shop near where he lived in Chichester and were immediately fallen upon by enthusiastic bargain hunters.

James Bates, aged 52, said: “As soon as I walked in I knew someone had recently pegged it and I had struck a goldmine.

“It wasn’t someone uselessly young who hadn’t had time to build up a complete collection of Stephen King novels. But they weren’t so old and unfashionable that I’d have been ashamed to rock the high-quality shirts and chinos that had appeared on the men’s rack.

“Someone with a bit of disposable income who could afford to buy all the Steely Dan albums remastered on vinyl had snuffed it. There’s nothing more tragic than when a casual music fan dies, leaving nothing behind except a few crappy Now compilations on CD.

“Best of all this guy had apparently keeled over shortly after purchasing a lovely pair of brown leather brogues. They’re four sizes too big, but you can’t complain when something’s practically brand new.”

Charity shop volunteer Mary Fisher said: “Don’t get too excited, sunshine. It’ll be your turn soon enough.”