'It was closed' and other incredibly helpful online reviews morons leave

CHECKING online reviews is a minefield of idiots, pricks with a vendetta, and people who are incapable of spelling anything longer than two letters. Like these:

‘It was closed’

You know an establishment must be worth visiting if someone was so incensed that, after arriving at 9pm on Easter Sunday, they felt the need to leave a one-star review to say how disappointed they were that it was shut. Next time maybe this Sainsbury’s in West Ham will remember to clearly display their opening hours on their website. Oh, they already do? Those bastards think of everything, don’t they?

‘Ordered wrong size’

Some people like to share the tedious minutiae of their lives on Twitter or TikTok, but the truly baffling ones decide to divulge their irrelevant life experiences in review sections. Who gives a shit that you made a mistake which has no bearing on the quality of the item? Tell us what you had for dinner while you’re at it, and maybe this three-star review will be nominated for a Pulitzer prize.

‘Do NOT use this place’

Negative reviews can be very useful, particularly when they alert you to extortionate pricing or toilets that could have featured in Trainspotting. What is less helpful is when someone cannot articulate their problem any further than ‘I didn’t like it’. That’s not going to help anyone, least of all the establishment you felt needed improvement, and you just come out of it sounding like a whiny bastard.

‘Not sure what I think yet’

This person felt obliged to provide a review as soon as the item arrived through the letterbox, and not a moment afterwards. That’s the only explanation for why someone with any brain cells would post their opinion having not used or perhaps even opened the thing they ordered. They will never update their review, but forever look like a dick for writing this useless nonsense in the first place.


Calm down, there’s no need to get emotional. The plastic cat bowl you ordered from Amazon has clearly had a profound impact on you, because you have been rendered almost speechless by its adequacy. The four stars next to this powerful treatise offer a real insight into your terminally beige mental landscape, while also not revealing a single thing that might be helpful to anyone who might benefit from your experience. Thanks for f**king nothing.

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New fake nails render girlfriend unable to perform simplest task

A WOMAN has nails so long that she is completely reliant on her boyfriend to perform everyday tasks for her.

After splashing out on getting the largest gel nail extensions possible, prior to a friend’s wedding, Kelly Howard has rendered her hands entirely useless.

Howard said: “I thought I’d treat myself as it’s a special occasion. And they look undeniably great, but I’m finding it hard to do basic things like getting dressed and eating.

“I’ve ripped through several pairs of tights, impaled an apple with my thumb, and given a stranger on the bus a nasty scratch while trying to ring the bell. But beauty is suffering. At least for the people around me.”

Howard’s boyfriend Josh Hudson said: “It’s like living with a helpless newborn, but one that keeps demanding I put on another episode of Married at First Sight because it can’t use the remote.

“Watching her paw at her phone screen like some incompetent bear is tragic. And I’ve even had to tie her shoelaces. Whoever sold women the lie that very long, very expensive nails are attractive is some kind of evil genius.”

Howard added: “I’m going to keep them. Watching Josh gag as he pulls the hair out of the plughole for once is worth the money and inconvenience.”