Five bullshit reasons your cask ale costs that f**king much

ORDERED a cask ale only to be charged a preposterous sum of money? These are the ridiculous made-up reasons why: 

It’s from an independent brewery

The barman will mutter this as if it means something then quickly change the subject before you register that it’s nonsense. Independent from what, rational pricing? Now you have to make your pint last all night  because there’s no f**king way you can afford to get another round in.

There’s high quality hops in it

That’s as maybe. But have you ever tasted poor quality hops? No, because it’s impossible to tell the difference when they’re swimming around in malt and yeast. You don’t even know what regular hops taste like. You assume it’s some sort of grainy flavour but you’re not totally sure. It’s too late now anyway, drink up.

You’re paying for premium pretentiousness

You aren’t just paying for a pint. You’re paying for the dimpled glass. You’re paying to be in a bar with wooden pallets inexplicably nailed to the walls. You’re paying for a twentysomething with a waxed moustache wearing a flat cap to pour it for you. You can’t put a price on that. The barman can though, it’s £8.99 a go.

Production process bollocks

The particular ale you ordered is made with a bullshit ‘holistic production method’ to bring out the flavour. Translation: the guy who ladles this stuff out of his bathtub has to be paid a living wage. Next time go for a beer brewed in a huge vat churned by a machine. It tastes just as good and costs less.

Russia/ Liz Truss/ recession

The world is currently a clusterf**k of financial calamities so any of these factors could be to blame. Grain comes from Ukraine and there’s grain in cask ales, right? F**k knows. Meanwhile Liz Truss’s catastrophic two months in office didn’t help. Don’t forget the looming recession either. Actually, of course you should. That’s why you’re drinking. 

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Group of men in pub confusing 'banter' for 'hate speech'

AN OBNOXIOUS group of self-described ‘lads’ have confused irritating banter with offensive hate speech, it has been confirmed.

Patrons at The Drapers Arms in Islington were left aghast as the men loudly exchanged problematic slurs while clearly under the impression that they were ‘just having a laugh.’

Onlooker Martin Bishop said: “Banter is bad enough, but hate speech is definitely worse. They started slow by calling one of their group a ‘fanny’ for ordering a G&T then things got worse from there.

“By their second pint they’d exhausted every racial, homophobic and misogynistic insult imaginable. I’m sure if they’d heard about trans people they would have gone after them as well. It’s the only way their ignorance can be considered a positive.

“I tried to tell them they were making a basic error of mistaking bigotry with humour, at which point one of them told me to eff off and called me the C-word. Which only underlined my point.”

The group’s alpha male Julian Cook said: “I stand by what I said, I don’t give a f**k about snowflakes. Although if the police get involved I was only being ironic.”