Five talents you never knew you had until you started drinking

CONSUMING alcohol in large quantities can unleash talents you never knew you had. And may possibly want to forget. Skills such as these…

Eating unimaginable crap

You always considered yourself a fussy eater, but after eight pints or a few bottles of Prosecco anything goes. Never mind wolfing down the dodgiest takeaway anus-and-tendon burger, you’ll have no problem demolishing a ketchup and Nutella Weetabix sandwich when that’s all you can find after getting in from the pub. 

Boundless confidence

Usually you don’t say boo to a goose. But after enough Stella you’re strutting around like a pimp’s pet peacock, oozing George Clooney charm, giving excellent advice, informing others of your stimulating opinions and offering sexual experiences to grateful ladies. Although in reality you’re just being a massive twat. And even if you somehow get lucky, you’re about to showcase your talent for brewer’s droop.

Losing stuff

Despite normally being quite responsible, throw in some vodka shots and possessions start magically disappearing. Where have your house keys gone? Did it have something to do with swinging your handbag round your head in drunken excitement? What did you do with your phone? You can’t have lost that – you were taking utterly pointless identical pictures of pissed people all night with it.

Talking utter shite

In everyday life you keep your cards close to your chest, until a gallon of booze has you gobbing off witlessly like Piers Morgan. The only problem is if someone well-informed disagrees with you. Luckily shouting, personal attacks and changing the subject are all great ways of winning an argument. You’ve got alcohol to thank for that.

Looking your absolute worst

You may have spent hours carefully perfecting your look for a night out, but you’ve got a talent for transforming into Worzel Gummidge in minutes. Hair everywhere, make-up like a tearful clown, one shoe missing – which you somehow didn’t notice. At least your doner kebab won’t judge you. Shit, you’ve just dropped it on a filthy pavement. It must be a new talent for watching the calories.

Woman desperate for Glastonbury to end so she can wank on about being at Glastonbury

A WOMAN at Glastonbury is counting down the seconds until the festival ends and she can start banging on about it to everyone. 

Lucy Parry, 24, hates live music, large crowds and camping, but decided to ‘do Glasto’ so she has a story to bore the f**k out of people with for the next decade. 

Parry said: “This is hell. The only music I like is Adele, so this is all shit. It’s a fiver for a bottle of water and everyone’s nasty and sweaty. I’m pretty sure a lot of them are on drugs. I have no idea how people can enjoy this sort of thing. 

“But even though I hate the festival, I’m going to absolutely love telling people I’ve done something trendy they’ve never done themselves. Plus, it’s ‘Glasto’! Anyone who isn’t a total loser has a story about ‘Glasto’, even if it’s worse than a South American prison.  

“I’m sure I can just grit my teeth and endure the next few days. Then as soon as I get home I can start awkwardly slotting Glastonbury into every conversation I have. That’s after I’ve had a shower and disinfected myself.

“I’ll be so excited to see people’s eyes glaze over when I tell them about the time I stood in a field and watched a band they’ve never heard of.

“When I finally make it to Saturday night, I’ll be able to take an incredibly distant, low-res picture of Sir Paul McCartney on stage. I’ll be showing that to people for years. 

“It’ll really come into its own when he dies, so fingers crossed.”