Five things you can't get through with a drink

ALCOHOL makes most of life’s problems easier, but it’s not a miracle cure. Here are five challenging situations it will not help you navigate effortlessly.

Driving test

Driving tests require a clear head and quick reflexes, so downing a couple of bottles of Shiraz beforehand to steady your nerves is a bad idea. Forget racking up a collection of minor errors, you’ll commit several major faults just by opening the door and struggling to put on your seatbelt. You’ll fail before checking you’re in neutral.

A raging hangover

Hair of the dog takes the edge off low to medium-tier hangovers, but it’s useless when treating more severe ones. When you’re hunched over the toilet and practically turning yourself inside out with drunken vomiting, the last thing you’ll want is to drink a six pack of warm Grolsch. That won’t stop you from trying one though, just to be sure.

Walking a tightrope

Okay, not a typical life situation, but you’re probably only a handful of poor decisions away from joining the circus. You can’t even walk a tightrope sober, so doing it 30 feet in the air while pissed is a no no. Actually applies to many other situations that involve balancing, including riding a bike if you’re shit at it and, ironically, a breathalyser test. 

Work meetings

Drinking on the clock is frowned upon but doable on most occasions. However when you’re expected to deliver updates on your poor sales figures during Q3 then your inebriated state will trip you up. It’s best to ride out your professional hiding while completely sober, then scurry off home to drunkenly lick your wounds and update your CV.

An intervention

A surprise gathering of friends and family to confront your drinking problem is not a fun event. A beer or some shots would definitely make it more of a party atmos, but somehow it feels inappropriate. Looks like you’ll have to take your medicine, while remembering these people are only remotely tolerable when you’re pissed. That’s why you only see them at Christmas.

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The subjects you never listen to your partner's opinion about

OCCASIONALLY your partner’s opinion is welcome. In some rare instances, it’s even ‘asked for’. But when it comes to certain topics, there’s not a chance in hell you’ll ever listen. Take these, for example.

Your driving

It’s never okay for one partner to criticise the other’s driving. It’s such a part of who you are it’s like complaining about your eyeballs or the fact that you never listen. So any cries of ‘indicate’ or ‘slow down’ or ‘stop eating a sandwich on the phone’ are to be ignored. And if they start suggesting directions, definitely ignore them even if they’re right – they might start thinking their opinion matters to you. 

Anything you’re constructing 

Be it a treehouse for the kids or a large salad, if you’re in the creative zone, your loved one’s opinion is void. They can’t see what you can see. They don’t know that any birthday cake can be saved with enough icing, no matter how burnt… or that your rotting garden shed is ideal to be converted into a DIY sauna. They’re just jealous of your slipshod creative skills. Yes, that’ll be it. 

Your drinking habits

If your partner so much as raises an eyebrow when you suggest another round or open another bottle, zone out before they even open their mouth. You already know what they’re going to say – they’ll complain about how boring you are when drunk and remind you it’s only 2pm blah blah blah. Encourage them and you’ll just get more trivial nit-picking about why you can’t stand up.

That thing you just asked their opinion about

Just because you specifically asked their opinion about your new jumper or whether they think it’s a good idea to have a beehive at the bottom of the garden and make your own honey doesn’t mean you intended to listen to the answer. Especially if it’s not the answer you wanted to hear. Frankly you wonder if they really love you if they can’t be arsed to read your mind. 

The fact you’re not listening to them 

If your partner complains that you promised to keep Saturday free for your mother-in-law’s birthday dinner, but didn’t, don’t listen. It’s just a bunch of cliches like ‘you never listen to me’. They should thank you for making them feel good about being right for once. And it IS just once. They’re wrong 99.99999 per cent of the time, as they should know.