ALCOHOL makes most of life’s problems easier, but it’s not a miracle cure. Here are five challenging situations it will not help you navigate effortlessly.
Driving test
Driving tests require a clear head and quick reflexes, so downing a couple of bottles of Shiraz beforehand to steady your nerves is a bad idea. Forget racking up a collection of minor errors, you’ll commit several major faults just by opening the door and struggling to put on your seatbelt. You’ll fail before checking you’re in neutral.
A raging hangover
Hair of the dog takes the edge off low to medium-tier hangovers, but it’s useless when treating more severe ones. When you’re hunched over the toilet and practically turning yourself inside out with drunken vomiting, the last thing you’ll want is to drink a six pack of warm Grolsch. That won’t stop you from trying one though, just to be sure.
Walking a tightrope
Okay, not a typical life situation, but you’re probably only a handful of poor decisions away from joining the circus. You can’t even walk a tightrope sober, so doing it 30 feet in the air while pissed is a no no. Actually applies to many other situations that involve balancing, including riding a bike if you’re shit at it and, ironically, a breathalyser test.
Work meetings
Drinking on the clock is frowned upon but doable on most occasions. However when you’re expected to deliver updates on your poor sales figures during Q3 then your inebriated state will trip you up. It’s best to ride out your professional hiding while completely sober, then scurry off home to drunkenly lick your wounds and update your CV.
An intervention
A surprise gathering of friends and family to confront your drinking problem is not a fun event. A beer or some shots would definitely make it more of a party atmos, but somehow it feels inappropriate. Looks like you’ll have to take your medicine, while remembering these people are only remotely tolerable when you’re pissed. That’s why you only see them at Christmas.
