Hideous alcohol combinations to try and pass off as cocktails

ARE you a semi-alcoholic who enjoys classy cocktail drinking but hasn’t bothered getting all the stuff in? Try these foul concoctions: 


On the face of it, gin topped up with prosecco seems like a sophisticated affair but ultimately you’re using reasonably strong alcohol as a mixer for very strong alcohol. You have a problem.


A favourite with Spanish teenagers, this combination of red wine and cola essentially involves mixing two horrible drinks together to create one drink so very horrible that it ends up being oddly palatable. Plus it’s got a cosmopolitan name.

The Minesweeper

This is made by creeping around a party tipping the dregs of abandoned drinks into a pint glass of brown, murky liquid that gives you a hangover just looking at it. It’s disgusting but the name is cool, so people will think it’s a fashionable beverage rather than the reason tramps hang around beer gardens.


Take sangria and ouzo, exotic drinks evocative of European city breaks, and mix. The perfect cocktail for getting so sh*tfaced on day one of your holiday that you spend the rest of it in bed recovering from alcohol poisoning and sunburn.


This, in theory, is a legitimate cocktail even though it looks and tastes like urine from the Devil’s dick and turns people into lunatics. However, it can only have been invented by accidentally dropping one into the other and drinking it anyway, so it’s on the list.

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A guide to hanging out with your partner's extremely attractive friend

ONE of the great joys of sharing your life with another is sharing their friendships, but when their friend is smokin’ hot it can cause difficulties. Follow these rules: 

Keep your distance

Be cordial and polite to the hot friend, but try not to make eye contact because if you do you may never break it. Avoid discussing their personal life because your heart will melt and you’ll gather them into your arms when you hear of any hardship they’ve suffered, like that one time they were overdrawn.

Focus on their faults

What annoying habits do they have? Picking their nose? Mispronouncing ‘touché’? Having no understanding of anyone’s problems because everything in their life comes easily to them because they’re so beautiful? Any of these can kill a crush on the spot.

Assume they know

Imagining your massive crush is a secret is a mistake, because when the hot one casually mentions they know you find them attractive you’ll blush and jump to the conclusion they’ve noticed because they feel the same way about you. They don’t. They just expect everyone to find them attractive.

Your partner also knows

Your partner is perfectly aware their friend is drop-dead gorgeous. Or course they do. They’ve probably humiliated themselves attempting to get it on with them at least once. Don’t think your heart-eye-emoji face is going unnoticed.

Don’t joke about threesomes and/or polyamory

At least not after you’ve tested the ground once.

Sleep with them

If none of the above works, simply have sex with the hot friend. Their total disinterest in you afterwards as they talk vacuously about their career will turn your lust to hate.