Man on hold for 20 minutes locked into high-stakes game of chicken

A MAN who has been on hold for 20 minutes knows he has no choice now but to see the call through to the bitter end.

Stephen Malley of Kidsgrove recognises that he should have quit his call to the local council five minutes in, when he still had his pride left, but the window has now well and truly closed and he cannot back down.

He said: “Oh yeah, they’d love me to hang up now. They’d just love it. Well guess again.

“If I was going to give up I should’ve done so when Greensleeves started for the fifth time or maybe when it stopped and I got a ring tone only to go back on hold again.

“But I’m in this for the long haul now, even if it means making significant and damaging changes to my lifestyle to accommodate having my phone to my ear.

“They’re counting on me giving up. That’s what they’re waiting for, me to crack. They know nobody makes it past half-an-hour. But they won’t break me.”

Customer service agent Susan Traherne said: “I’ll just tell him the answer’s on our website and hang up. You can’t work in this job without becoming a sadist.”

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How to get through a date with someone who voted the other way in the referendum

YOU matched on Tinder but now you’ve brought up politics, and that was a fatal mistake. But how to get through the evening without fist-fighting in Café Rouge?

Avoid the subject

Most dates are about avoiding the subject of sex. Now you’ve got to avoid sex and Brexit. Because the latter is now the diabolical kaleidoscope through which we now view everything, it will be tricky to stop yourselves. Stick obsessively to an obscure subject it can’t attach itself to, like whether woodpeckers get headaches.

Engage in passive-aggressive bitching

Lines like ‘Shall we remain here or head off blindly into the darkness, hoping for the best?’ or ‘Are you happy to accept my decision on the wine, or will you spend the rest of the meal trying to overturn it?’ are so petty and irritating it’ll be like you’re married.

Get a friend to call with an ‘emergency’

The classic tactic for getting out of a bad date, except this time it’s not a fake emergency to escape from a socially inept weirdo but a real emergency because you’re on a date with a terrorist who has basically taken our nation hostage and threatened to murder it.

Get blind drunk

After a few drinks it won’t matter which of you worships at Farage’s feet and which hails each new Gina Miller legal case as the second coming. A few more after that and you might not even remember which side you’re on. Perhaps the baby you conceive this unfortunate night will be able to untangle the whole Brexit knot, in about 20 years.

Attempt to see the other person’s point of view

Why not? Your evening’s ruined anyway. It could be like Romeo and Juliet, or West Side Story. As in tragic and somebody will die.