Sunday, 16th May 2021

The idiot's guide to reacting to Star Wars trailers

WHEN a new Star Wars trailer comes out your first duty is to rush to the internet and shout incoherently about it. Try these strategies: 

Invent a half-witted fan theory

Devise and share a nonsensical theory that’s a massive waste of time for everyone who reads it, eg. Rey is the daughter of Leia and Chewbacca, who abandoned her on Jakku rather than tell Han about their affair. She waxes all over daily to avoid revealing her half-Wookie heritage.

Rant about ‘social justice warriors’

Be hysterical about the films being hijacked by ‘social justice warriors’, sounding as if you’re about to become the next Unabomber because a sci-fi fantasy acknowledges it is no longer the 1970s. Do use the sane and tasteful phrase ‘Disney raped my childhood’.

Demand everyone be queer

Alternatively, be an identity politics tool by insisting that Poe Dameron is a gay icon and must have an explicit sex scene, even though it’s no more germane to the story than the unaddressed issue of whether that volcano planet burnt Darth Vader’s winkle off.

Be hoodwinked by the studio

Take the trailer at face value. If there’s a shot of Rey looking evil, it’s not a vision or out of context, they have made your favourite character EVIL! Vast entertainment corporations like Disney are unaware of the concept of ‘generating publicity’ and trailers never misrepresent the film they’re advertising.

Abuse people online

If anyone slightly disagrees with your exact opinions on Star Wars, for example your plans for a BB-8 and R2-D2 buddy comedy, go nuclear. Let the abuse flow through you and claim to have done unusual sexual things to their mother. This is entirely appropriate in the context of a family-oriented space adventure.