The idiot's guide to reacting to Star Wars trailers

WHEN a new Star Wars trailer comes out your first duty is to rush to the internet and shout incoherently about it. Try these strategies: 

Invent a half-witted fan theory

Devise and share a nonsensical theory that’s a massive waste of time for everyone who reads it, eg. Rey is the daughter of Leia and Chewbacca, who abandoned her on Jakku rather than tell Han about their affair. She waxes all over daily to avoid revealing her half-Wookie heritage.

Rant about ‘social justice warriors’

Be hysterical about the films being hijacked by ‘social justice warriors’, sounding as if you’re about to become the next Unabomber because a sci-fi fantasy acknowledges it is no longer the 1970s. Do use the sane and tasteful phrase ‘Disney raped my childhood’.

Demand everyone be queer

Alternatively, be an identity politics tool by insisting that Poe Dameron is a gay icon and must have an explicit sex scene, even though it’s no more germane to the story than the unaddressed issue of whether that volcano planet burnt Darth Vader’s winkle off.

Be hoodwinked by the studio

Take the trailer at face value. If there’s a shot of Rey looking evil, it’s not a vision or out of context, they have made your favourite character EVIL! Vast entertainment corporations like Disney are unaware of the concept of ‘generating publicity’ and trailers never misrepresent the film they’re advertising.

Abuse people online

If anyone slightly disagrees with your exact opinions on Star Wars, for example your plans for a BB-8 and R2-D2 buddy comedy, go nuclear. Let the abuse flow through you and claim to have done unusual sexual things to their mother. This is entirely appropriate in the context of a family-oriented space adventure.

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You could have had Brexit by now if you hadn't been such d*cks about it

BRITAIN’S Remain voters have pointed out that Brexit could have happened ages ago if Brexiters had not been such twats about it. 

Half the country explained that in 2016 the UK was pretty much resigned to Brexit, the Tories had a majority, and the whole thing could be done and dusted if not for kn*bheads pushing their luck.

Tom Booker of Maidenhead said: “You won, yeah? So when are you planning to get over it?

“Honestly, three years ago everyone was like ‘Well, that’s it, Brexit.’ Then May laid down all her impossible red lines, then she lost her election, and ever since it’s been like watching a thick bloke trying to argue his way out of a speeding fine.

“You could have had it! All you had to do was stay in a customs union and you could have stopped immigration, which was all you cared about anyway. But no.

“Nobody had heard of bloody no-deal before last summer but suddenly that was all you wanted and nothing else would do and look where it’s got you.

“Now we’re at the point where you’ve got an actual Brexit deal actually passed and the first thing you do is stop everything because you’re not allowed to ram it through in three days. Seriously?”

Brexiter Norman Steele said: “It’s not us. It’s everyone else.”