Friday, 14th May 2021

How to enjoy the perfect bank holiday hangover

OVERDID it in the beer garden yesterday? Here’s how to spend a precious day off indulging your acute hangover until it finally subsides: 

9am to 11.15am: groan pathetically

A steady chorus of feeble whimpers will signal to the world that your head is being squeezed in a vice in a room that’s nauseously spinning. Keep going for hours as you toss and turn in sweat-soaked sheets in the vain hope that contemptible groaning will help metabolise all those pints faster. It won’t.

11.15am to 1pm: make a fried breakfast

A quick and easy hangover cure if you’d planned ahead and bought bacon, beans and hash browns. But as all you’ve got in is a stale half-box of Cookie Crisp, you’ve now got to stagger to the Spar and heave in the produce aisle as the smell of cauliflower hits you in the face.

1pm to 3pm: bring up your fried breakfast

Just like Christmas and Easter, bank holidays have their own time-honoured customs. Sadly they’re less fun, involving as they do feeling your stomach roll and flex in preparation for the regurgitation of the greasy, burnt breakfast you prepared earlier. Getting some sick on the T-shirt you slept in is all part of the fun.

3pm to 5.30pm: crash out on the sofa

The sofa is the perfect place to lie prone while watching TV while close to death, which is handy because you’re incapable of doing anything else. It’s not like you’re missing out though; even if you were stone-cold sober this is how you’d spend your day off. You just wouldn’t feel quite so f**king awful.

5.30pm to 9pm: research animal tranquilisers

Wondering why your daylong regime of paracetamol and ibprofen has done nothing? Try to speed up the process by reading about drugs that can knock out an elephant in less than fifteen minutes. As you start to look into buying tiletamine darts on the darknet you’ll realise your hangover has faded from intolerable into merely horrible, just in time for work tomorrow.