Thursday, 15th April 2021

How to pretend you're drinking in moderation

IF you drink too much it’s vital to convince yourself you just enjoy a harmless regular tipple. Here’s how to delude yourself.

Convince yourself you only drink ‘socially’

There’s nothing wrong with letting off some steam and getting hammered with your mates, is there? Even if you’re at home and counting people on the telly and your cat as ‘mates’.

Claim you only drink with meals

Tell yourself that people who drink with meals are sophisticated, like the French. The only difference is they stop when they finish eating, whereas you’re still glugging Shiraz and gnawing a Twix at midnight, which is apparently still dinner.

Pretend you never drink in the daytime

Apart from the following exceptions: weekends, bank holidays, Christmas, Easter, when abroad, weddings, christenings, funerals, half-days, birthdays (yours and other people’s), when hungover and any pathetic excuse at the office, like a fire alarm.

Say it’s medicinal

Some people swear by a couple of glasses of whisky when they’re feeling peaky. That’s fine, because even if that whisky is chasing several pints of Stella and a Jagerbomb, it’s still making you feel better.

Convince yourself you’re a connoisseur

Develop a love of craft beer whereby you have to sample several different types daily, followed by a four-pack of Grolsch for contrast. Alternatively, get into wine - then you're just drinking for the earthy undertones with a hint of citrus, not because it makes you all happy and wibbly.