How to pretend you're drinking in moderation

IF you drink too much it’s vital to convince yourself you just enjoy a harmless regular tipple. Here’s how to delude yourself.

Convince yourself you only drink ‘socially’

There’s nothing wrong with letting off some steam and getting hammered with your mates, is there? Even if you’re at home and counting people on the telly and your cat as ‘mates’.

Claim you only drink with meals

Tell yourself that people who drink with meals are sophisticated, like the French. The only difference is they stop when they finish eating, whereas you’re still glugging Shiraz and gnawing a Twix at midnight, which is apparently still dinner.

Pretend you never drink in the daytime

Apart from the following exceptions: weekends, bank holidays, Christmas, Easter, when abroad, weddings, christenings, funerals, half-days, birthdays (yours and other people’s), when hungover and any pathetic excuse at the office, like a fire alarm.

Say it’s medicinal

Some people swear by a couple of glasses of whisky when they’re feeling peaky. That’s fine, because even if that whisky is chasing several pints of Stella and a Jagerbomb, it’s still making you feel better.

Convince yourself you’re a connoisseur

Develop a love of craft beer whereby you have to sample several different types daily, followed by a four-pack of Grolsch for contrast. Alternatively, get into wine – then you’re just drinking for the earthy undertones with a hint of citrus, not because it makes you all happy and wibbly.

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Stop this display of ostentatious wealth, says Queen in massive palace, with her crown

THE Queen is believed to be outraged at Meghan’s £300,000 baby shower, from beneath her jewelled crown in one of her many palaces.

Meghan has faced criticism for the extravagant celebration and the Queen, who first paid tax on her £370 million fortune when she was 66 years old, is thought to be absolutely livid.

A Palace source said: “The Queen isn’t one of these celebrities who jets around the world living a party lifestyle, though she did mention the other day she’d like a new yacht.

“She was inspecting her art collection, conservatively estimated at £10 billion, when she heard about Meghan staying in a fancy hotel and eating an expensive dinner and went white.

“‘Does she think she’s one of these hip hop blingers like Mr Ice-T who sits on a bloody throne?’ she said, so shaken by the news she had to rest on one of her thrones for a second.

“She’s clearly having second thoughts about welcoming Meghan to the family. Not everyone can handle massive wealth with the same dignity as those born to it. Like Prince Philip, or Andrew.”

The monarch apparently regained her calm by remembering that £300,000 was less than her mother would lose in an afternoon at Ascot.