How to remind someone they owe you a pint from five years ago

DID you buy someone a pint five years ago and they are yet to repay their beer debt? Broach the topic carefully but forcefully: 

Lay the groundwork

Getting the pint you’re owed requires military planning. You need to settle on a venue, agree on a time, and crucially make sure you invite the bastard who stiffed you out of a drink all those years ago. Otherwise the whole venture is a complete waste of f**king time and you’ll have to beg them to PayPal you the cash amount. 

Lull them into a false sense of security

Soften them up by treating them to the first round. Maybe even throw in a couple bags of crisps and some nuts for good measure. Don’t think of this as extra outlay, it’s an investment. With alcohol flowing through their veins and a stomach full of pub snacks, they’ll be nice and vulnerable for your small vengeance.

Bring it up as a joke

Laugh it off like it’s not a big deal. So what if you bought them a £4.65 pint of American pale ale from The King’s Head in Birmingham back in 2017 and they never offered to pay you back? It’s ancient history. Honestly, you’ve forgotten all about it. Playfully punch them on the arm a little too hard.

Provide evidence

Seeing as you’re talking about the pint though, you’ve actually got all the receipts from that night in your pocket. What a weird coincidence. If your friend studies them carefully they’ll see they do actually owe you a beer. No, you’ll tell them, it’s not petty, it’s fair. If the tables were turned you would totally understand.

Bring backup

At this point they might start getting aggressive, so make sure you’ve got backup. Preferably they’ll be someone who was there back in the day and can support your claim for the pint you’re rightfully owed. If not just pay someone to lie, ideally someone called Big Tony. It’s not like anyone can remember anything that happened so very long ago. 

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The seven crap stages of a whirlwind dating app romance

LOOKING for love on a dating app? Instead getting caught up in a whirlwind virtual dysfunctional romance? Here’s how it will unfold without you ever meeting: 

The trawl

You won’t find The One instantly. It takes at least 10 minutes of furious swiping where you instantaneously judge strangers by their first photo. You haven’t got time to waste reading their carefully written bio which gives a better indication of your compatibility. If they’re an eight or above, swipe right already.

It’s a match!

Finally! You and some randomer have made the same thumb gesture on your phone screens! This is definitely the start of your life together and not the incident your counsellor will privately refer to as the origin story of your porn addiction and daytime drinking. Congrats!

The opening line

You only get to make a good first impression once, so blow your beloved away with a charming opening line like ‘how’s your weekend going?’ or even just a classic ‘hi’. Nothing gets the conversation flowing like vague, generic copy-and-pasted phrases. Are those wedding bells you hear tinkling in the distance?

Tedious small talk

If all goes well you’ll get swept up in a tedious back-and-forth exchanging details about the number of siblings you have and where you last went on holiday. Keep the conversation rolling by asking relentless questions, no matter how mundane. ‘How tall are you?’ and ‘do you have any pets’ are an ideal warm up to the main event…


This is what you both came for. Sizzling, X-rated sexting which will come back to ruin your career should you ever occupy a position in public life. Note how they’re not saying anything too incriminating while you’re opening up about your most perverted fantasies. Look forward to screenshots of this conversation doing the rounds if you ever make it big.

Catching emotions

You’ve only known this person for twenty minutes and you’ve been sitting on the toilet all that time, but you think you’re in love. Maybe it’s the way she ‘doesn’t take life too seriously’ or the fact that she ‘likes adventures’, but you’ve convinced yourself this person is a one-of-a-kind catch. Open up a new tab and browse engagement rings.

Getting ghosted

Shit, has the internet gone down? It’s saying you’re online. So how come they’ve suddenly stopped replying? Send them another message. Then another. Then half a dozen more. Perhaps they’ve hopped in the shower. Keep spamming them until they unmatch with you, which must be because the app has crashed. Return to the homescreen and repeat this guide from the top.