Saturday, 8th May 2021

It's great to be back to normal, says man downing six pints on a Wednesday morning

A MAN keeps saying how great it is that things are back to normal, as if getting shitfaced in a freezing cold pub garden in the morning was something he used to do often.

Stephen Malley has visited his local pub every day since it opened on Monday and got absolutely pissed before midday every time.

Malley said: “It’s just great to feel like life is getting back to usual. I suppose I wouldn’t normally be drinking in the morning as I’d have been sacked if I wasn’t still furloughed, but you know what I mean.

“I guess I wouldn’t generally choose to sit outside a pub garden in April, with my hands becoming numb as they clutch a frosty pint of lager, and the sleet turning my ears blue. 

“In fact, that would be stupid. But to be honest I’m so desperate for life to get back to how it was that I’m prepared to suffer for it.

“Or maybe I’m just an alcoholic. Hard to say.

“I can’t wait to do all those things I used to. Although to be honest I might not bother because I’ve discovered getting pissed immediately after getting up is the only thing I really enjoy.”