Kanye West, and other celebrities who'd be a nightmare as regulars at your local

KIM Kardashian was recently spotted having a pint in a London pub. Which celebrities would ruin your local if they were always propping up the bar?

Kanye West

Popping in for a swift drink after work, you’re collared by Kanye who’s standing at the bar, four pints down. You politely humour his conspiracy theory ramblings for half an hour, but when he starts telling you Hitler was a cool guy, actually, you decide it’s time to leave. He should be barred really, but Gary the landlord is also a massive racist and they’ve struck up an unlikely but firm friendship.

Gwyneth Paltrow

You’re enjoying a quiet Saturday afternoon pint when Gwyneth trails in with four friends who have nine entitled little shits of children between them. They take over half the pub with their large, expensive handbags and loud voices, and then monopolise the bar staff for 20 minutes going through each item on the menu and asking if it’s vegan and gluten-free, even though every meal is clearly a variation of meat and chips in a basket.

James Corden

A pleasant night having a quiet chat with friends is ruined the second Corden bangs through the door, slaps everyone hard on the back and demands ‘A pint of your finest Stella, mister landlord, sir’. After downing it in one go, he orders another and then starts booming out an unfunny anecdote that’s so loud and annoying nobody else can hold a conversation.

Christian Bale

The whole pub goes silent when Bale walks in. He stares intensely at the barman, whose hand shakes as he pours Bale a pint. You’re sitting alone so he decides to join you, and you spend the whole time wondering if he’s going to suddenly freak out for some tiny, perceived slight and throw you out of a window. He actually wants to talk about his role in Terminator Salvation so when he goes for a piss you leg it to another pub down the road.

Nadine Dorries

You regret nipping out to the smoking area when you spot Nadine there, halfway through a bottle of cheap rosé and gobbing off obnoxiously to anyone in earshot. Later you see her slumped in a corner, weeping about some guy called Boris, before she’s sick in the loos and someone begrudgingly calls her a taxi.

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How to watch that and think that he won, by Nadine Dorries

YESTERDAY I saw a man of unimpeachable morals exonerated before a corrupt, petty court of liars. If you prefer that to actual reality, follow these tips:


Being objective can stop you being proven right. Like me, decide in advance this is a show trial and the select committee is a biased anti-Brexit kangaroo court usurping the will of the people and their hero Boris. Any anti-democratic criticism of Boris just confirms it.

Rearrange reality

The past is only an obstacle if you remember it correctly. Don’t do that. Let the past be as malleable as clay, so when Boris says ‘workplaces were free to make their own decisions about holding leaving parties’ you’ll nod along as violently as if your scarf was caught in a sewing machine.

Black out

Whether using certain liquid aids or shorting out your neural pathways with irreconcilable contradictions, going blank is a real helper. You might be staring at the TV eyes open but there’s nothing reaching your cognitive faculties to cause unnecessary doubts. You’ll genuinely reach the end feeling vindicated.

Have faith in faith

If a man – a wonderful, caring, golden blessing of a man – acted in good faith and did what was right in his heart, who are we to doubt him? If he knew, despite any piffling evidence, he and his hard-working underlings had done everything possible to follow the guidelines, then he did not lie. He cannot lie. He is the only truth.

Be in love

We’re always hearing that ‘love is love’ from the liberal media when race or gender are involved. But what of the most natural love of all; that of a woman for her man? A man who, to his most devoted, adoring, unrequited admirer, can do no wrong? Simply be in love and yesterday’s performance was Samson breaking his chains, Moses leading his people and Christ on the cross. He’ll leave her for me. He will.