Major European city great place to get pissed, reports couple

A COUPLE on a citybreak have reported that Berlin is a marvellous location for getting absolutely shitfaced. 

Ryan Whittaker and Lucy Parry have flown to the German capital with the intention of exploring the city, soaking up the atmosphere and immersing themselves in its culture, by all of which they mean ‘getting drunk’.

Parry said: “Berlin’s brilliant. There’s a surprise around every corner, whether it’s a riverside bar, a rooftop bar or one of those bottle shops they have now. We love it.

“We arrived yesterday, in a fine mood after a cheeky couple at the airport and a few maintenance drinks on the plane, and took to it immediately. There’s something about sitting on the river with an Aperol spritz that’s so continental and sophisticated.

“And we had a fantastic night. Too often European cities are closing down by midnight, but Berliners really know how to party. We were out until 2am, roaring pissed, staggering around some square or other.

“I’d put it above Paris, because that’s too spread-out and often what you think is a bar is a restaurant and won’t serve you, but not quite up there with Prague, which has loads more old buildings for the background of selfies and a beer’s three Euros maximum. It was ace.”

Whittaker agreed: “We’re having a great time, apart from when we stumbled on this bit called Museumisland that’s all museums and no bars. That made us sad and scared.”

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We ask you: will you follow the Vatican’s new rules on supernatural phenomena?

THE Vatican has cracked down on a rash of rogue miracles with new guidelines on supernatural phenomena. Will you be toeing the line? 

Roy Hobbs, ghost: “I’ve been haunting this bloody abbey since 1647, and no woke 21st century Pope’s telling me what to do. I shall be marching down a cloister straight through a wall, like always.”

Father Tom Logan, priest: “It’s the statue of the Virgin Mary in our church I feel sorry for. It was going to start crying milk next week. Now it’ll never get the chance.”

Sophie Rodriguez, faith healer: “Christ, how many forms to fill in just to cure a child’s blindness with the power of prayer? And you have to get them notarised by a bishop? Bollocks to that.”

Margaret Gerving, churchgoer: “And you know exactly what’ll happen to any ghosts who break the rules, go on a bloody rampage and turn churches into charnel houses. Hushed up and moved to another parish.”

Nathan Muir, roofer: “Have they ruled on Ghostwatch yet? I still reckon that happened.”