Man now exclusively drinking on work nights

A MAN has maximised his drinking efficiency by sticking strictly to Monday-Thursday, leaving his weekends free for more rewarding pursuits. 

Wayne Hayes of Macclesfield had previously kept his problem drinking within the societally sanctioned Friday-Sunday window, but says switching it around has achieved incredible results.

He said: “It was one Saturday morning, horrendously hungover, that I found myself muttering ‘if I’m feeling this shit I might as well be in work.’ Then it hit me.

“Why am I wasting my one uninterrupted block of leisure time on alcohol, when I could be drinking in the week when I really need it and getting paid for suffering afterwards?

“I began that very Tuesday, putting away a bottle of Jack Daniels while watching Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmares and feeling fantastic. The next day I was still drunk on the train, missed a meeting and fell asleep in the disabled bogs. I’ve never looked back.

“The new drinking pattern’s really freed up my weekend schedule. I’ve taken up knitting, wild swimming, Spanish lessons and already have Grade 7 clarinet. It’s amazing what you can achieve sober. Work? I dunno.”

Boss Emma Bradford said: “Wayne used to be so grudging and resentful, as if he had better places to be than here. Now he’s either drunk, hungover or thirsty for booze he’s far more agreeable. A promotion’s in the offing.”

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Mum calling her dog your brother

YOUR mother is calling her dog your brother, she has confirmed. 

The dog, a two-year-old dachsund called Rolo, is now being treated as a son and apparently expects you to treat him as a beloved sibling.

You said: “His birthday’s a calendared event. She posted his card to me so I could sign it. This year I’m expected to get him a present.

“Maybe I enabled it by signing her Christmas present off from me and Rolo, but when she started calling him her son on Facebook it got dark. She phoned in floods when her ‘baby boy went off to school’. It was obedience class and she was there the whole time.

“My last visit I apparently didn’t greet him with enough genuine warmth. I was told how much he’d missed me, how offhand I was being, and that he just wanted to play. At dinner I’m sure he got given my pork chop.

“My Nana’s started down the same path. Does that make her miniature schnauzer my uncle? It has to stop, next thing I’ll be so far down the pecking order I might as well be my sister.”