Man seductively orders second cheapest bottle of wine at restaurant

A MAN has attempted to impress his date by ordering a bottle of wine from one place above the bottom of a restaurant’s wine list. 

Martin Bishop was convinced his date Eleanor Shaw would immediately fall for his charms, after he proved himself a sophisticated man who knows there is more to wine than ‘red’, ‘white’ and ‘pink’.

Bishop said: “Women like blokes who know about wine, so I knew I’d be onto a winner if I didn’t just immediately go for the sort of bog standard fiver bottle I shove in the trolley at Asda.

“I’d already impressed her with a box of Thorntons Continental rather than Dairy Box, so really this was the icing on the cake.

“Weirdly she didn’t actually want to have sex with me at the end of the date, but perhaps she was intimidated by my worldly ways. There is such a thing as being too classy.”

Shaw said: “Despite the fact that Martin spent a whole three extra quid on the wine, it still tasted vile and couldn’t stop him from being a total creep.

“Shame. If he’d gone for two bottles of the cheapest he might have been in with a chance.”

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What are you eating food off because you can't be ars*d washing up?

YOU’VE run out of plates and there’s no way you’re tackling the mountain of washing-up, so you’ll have to improvise. Try these: 

The chopping board

It’s fine for food prep, so logically it’s also fine for eating off. They’d serve your food on this in a gastropub and you’d photograph it and put it on Instagram. Counts as classy dining, as does eating off a roof slate.

An ironing board

It’s not just a plate, it’s a table too. Wipe-clean, portable, and if food gets too cold then simply power up the iron and give it a quick extra steam.

The lid of a pizza box

In this era of recycling and sustainability, failing to use a perfectly clean, workable surface like the outer lid of the box from the pizza you had delivered because there weren’t any clean plates yesterday is a crime. Greta Thunberg would definitely do it.

The glass plate from the microwave

It’s an actual plate! And despite it not having been cleaned in four years – no, six – it can’t have any bacteria on because it’s microwaved daily. This is genius, until tomorrow when you need to make McCain Quick Chips.

A laptop

Your life revolves around it anyway so as a break from sitting with it open watching YouTube, enjoy the variety of closing the lid and eating Birds Eye Crispy Pancakes off the top. If you think you’re better than this, wash up.