Man who says he's not drinking tonight lasts exactly seven minutes

A MAN who confidently told friends he was sticking to soft drinks caved after a pathetically short period of time.

Martin Bishop arrived at the Golden Lion pub proclaiming he would not be drinking due to an important meeting the next day, but was halfway through a pint of Stella within 420 seconds.

Administrator Bishop said: “I was full of good intentions because the last time I had a meeting when I’d been out the night before I kept being sick in my mouth every time my boss’s back was turned.

“Sadly as soon as I was offered a lovely cool glass of beer I just couldn’t resist. It was like being drawn to a seductive siren made out of 5% lager.

“If I’d stopped after three I’d have been fine. But I ended up having seven and then my mate persuaded me to go to a nightclub called Fanny’s.

“I don’t know what happened after that but I woke up this morning lying next to a half-eaten kebab. At the meeting I was praying for it to end before I was sick in a bin.

“Obviously I’m never drinking on a week night again. Next week it’s Diet Coke all the way at my old drinking buddy Steve’s leaving do.”

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Five-year-olds go on utterly pathetic school trip

A CLASS of five-year-olds have been taken on a pitiful school trip that really was not worth the effort.

The children boarded a coach carrying their labelled lunch boxes and travelled a short distance to a local wool museum that left none of them full of excitement.

Father Tom Booker said: “The wool museum? Jesus. That’s the sort of place I take them on Saturdays when I need to be somewhere quiet because I’ve got a hangover.

“There’s some sort of loom and loads of bobbins. Christ knows why you’d be interested in those. Plus it’s only a mile away. I had to fill in a permission slip and send in cash in an envelope for that?

“My son Noah didn’t even mention he’d been there, and normally he bores us shitless with every minor thing that happens at school, like seeing a particularly large bird in the playground.

“Maybe we need to send him to a better school where they’d take him to see a plastic dinosaur.”

Teacher Miss Kramer said: “During the three-minute journey two children pissed themselves and one was sick everywhere. That’s why we can’t have more ambition.”