Seven drinks to help you sink into oblivion you can pretend are perfect for autumn

THE dark, depressing nights are drawing in and you’re scared to put the lights or heating on, so the best option is to get wankered. Here are seven drinks with a flimsy autumnal theme.

Martini with a twig garnish

Olives are overrated, so make your drinking more autumnal by floating a few dirty twigs in your martini instead. Speed up getting shitfaced by turning it into a drinking game: whoever realises they’ve got a twist of dog turd in theirs has to down the rest immediately.

Pumpkin whisky cup

The recipe couldn’t be simpler: hollow out a pumpkin, fill it with Jack Daniels, swig. Just remember not to bother making holes for a mouth or eyes or you’ll make one hell of a mess – especially later in the evening once you start using the pumpkin as a puking receptacle. 

Woolly jumper wine

For some autumn-themed secret drinking on the go, wander around a leaf-strewn park with a bottle of merlot up your jumper. A lot like mulled wine, but not mulled. For even better results, swap out the bottle for a box of wine and enjoy staring up at those crisp October skies as you spurt Tesco ‘zesty white’ directly down your throat.

Pine cone tequila

To give your shots a twist, don’t sink your teeth into a lemon wedge every time you down a tequila, crush a pine cone on your forehead instead. The combination of tequila and blows to the head will give you a lovely autumnal dizziness before you collapse. 

Beer conkers

Like ‘beer pong’ except you throw conkers into the cups instead of ping-pong balls. If you’re lonely as well as sad, there’s no need to play this in company, just line up ten pints on the far side of your bedroom and knock yourself out, literally.

Gin and oak leaf

Never mind the tonic, just whack some neat gin in a glass with a tasteful oak leaf garnish. Continue the autumn vibe by using the leaf to wipe sick from the side of your mouth after the purge that will inevitably follow 12 of these bad boys.

Wellie vodka

Hide your autumnal drinking problem from your family or housemates by stashing a bottle of vodka inside a muddy Wellington boot and sneak a quick swig whenever you pass the front doormat. It’s fine because the Duke of Wellington probably designed wellies for this very purpose, and he kicked arse at Waterloo.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Pedal bin not even trying anymore

A PEDAL bin in a family’s kitchen has lost its zest for life and now barely puts any effort into its daily work.

In its younger days, the bin functioned with a sense of genuine enthusiasm – smoothly swinging open at the gentle press of a foot. But over the past six months it has become a shadow of its former self, frequently failing to perform its most basic functions.

The bin’s joint owner, dad-of-two Joe Turner, said: “When we first brought it home it worked like an absolute charm. You could basically just look at the pedal and it would glide into a perfect open position. It properly pulled its weight when it came to getting rid of rubbish.

“Then at some point it just seemed to lose its motivation. These days, when you step on the pedal it either doesn’t open at all or opens with such violent force it puts a dent in the wall behind it. It’s like it just can’t be f**king bothered anymore.

“When I’m cooking I usually end up pulling the whole lid off and using it that way – but that defeats the whole point of having a pedal bin in the first place.”

Turner’s wife Sarah added: “It’s kind of like it was trying to impress us in the early days – then as soon as it got through the probationary period it started dialling it in.

“I fear we won’t be able to go back to how things were. We’d be better off just hanging a plastic bag on one of the cupboard handles.”