THE dark, depressing nights are drawing in and you’re scared to put the lights or heating on, so the best option is to get wankered. Here are seven drinks with a flimsy autumnal theme.
Martini with a twig garnish
Olives are overrated, so make your drinking more autumnal by floating a few dirty twigs in your martini instead. Speed up getting shitfaced by turning it into a drinking game: whoever realises they’ve got a twist of dog turd in theirs has to down the rest immediately.
Pumpkin whisky cup
The recipe couldn’t be simpler: hollow out a pumpkin, fill it with Jack Daniels, swig. Just remember not to bother making holes for a mouth or eyes or you’ll make one hell of a mess – especially later in the evening once you start using the pumpkin as a puking receptacle.
Woolly jumper wine
For some autumn-themed secret drinking on the go, wander around a leaf-strewn park with a bottle of merlot up your jumper. A lot like mulled wine, but not mulled. For even better results, swap out the bottle for a box of wine and enjoy staring up at those crisp October skies as you spurt Tesco ‘zesty white’ directly down your throat.
Pine cone tequila
To give your shots a twist, don’t sink your teeth into a lemon wedge every time you down a tequila, crush a pine cone on your forehead instead. The combination of tequila and blows to the head will give you a lovely autumnal dizziness before you collapse.
Beer conkers
Like ‘beer pong’ except you throw conkers into the cups instead of ping-pong balls. If you’re lonely as well as sad, there’s no need to play this in company, just line up ten pints on the far side of your bedroom and knock yourself out, literally.
Gin and oak leaf
Never mind the tonic, just whack some neat gin in a glass with a tasteful oak leaf garnish. Continue the autumn vibe by using the leaf to wipe sick from the side of your mouth after the purge that will inevitably follow 12 of these bad boys.
Wellie vodka
Hide your autumnal drinking problem from your family or housemates by stashing a bottle of vodka inside a muddy Wellington boot and sneak a quick swig whenever you pass the front doormat. It’s fine because the Duke of Wellington probably designed wellies for this very purpose, and he kicked arse at Waterloo.
