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Six ways to politely remind your mate it's his f**king round

HE’S been sitting there all evening and you know, and he knows you know, it’s his round. Use these ways to gently point it out to the scrounging bastard: 

The Casual Head Nod

Gaze at your empty glass, then him, then the bar, before giving a gentle nod in that direction. If he asks what you’re looking at, simply reply ‘Your future, mate’. If he still doesn’t get it, point out the bar again, asking if he needs you to mark it on Apple Maps.

The Phantom Wallet Search

Pat your own pockets theatrically before saying ‘Thank God it’s your round because I’ve left my…’ and trail off. Gauge his reaction. Like David Attenborough filming a rare woodland stoat, you’ve startled the round-dodger into revealing his natural defence mechanisms. Namely, staring at the floor, checking his phone or suddenly needing a piss.

Buy Everyone Else a Drink

Return with fresh pints for everyone except him. When he asks where his is, smile warmly and say that that buying him one would only confuse him further about how rounds work. Add ‘You need to master the basics before we move on to advanced round-buying,’ and ask it he’s considered evening classes.

The Public Service Announcement

Raise your empty glass and loudly ask if anyone else wants one. Watch him stare into the middle distance as if pretending not to understand English will save him thirty quid. Then, scratch frantically at your throat, pretending to die of thirst. Saying you fancy a drink isn’t sufficient as the scumbag will respond that he’s ‘alright actually, thanks’.

The Barman Assist

Catch the bartender’s eye and when he asks ‘who’s next?’ point to your friend and his sealed wallet. He’ll already have noticed and, like any decent server of alcohol, considers it a personal insult to civilisation. And his livelihood. Round-avoiders are the only customers publicans despise more than those who order mocktails at peak times.

The Nuclear Option

Pick him up bodily and drag him to the f**king bar. Hold his phone up to his face until it unlocks, then complete the transaction before his flight instinct kicks in. Hold him there even if it does. This is male bonding.

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How to tell if your colleague is lying about watching the game live in the pub

CO-WORKER bigging up the thrill of watching last night’s match live in their local when you suspect they only saw the score when they woke up? Catch them out: 

They’re not hungover

Last night’s game has already become the Woodstock of football, with everyone claiming to have been ten pints deep in the pub when the final whistle went. Which doesn’t stand up to scrutiny if your colleague is in, lively and responding to emails in less than four hours. Real fans are working from home, except not actually. Like your boss.

Their nerves aren’t shot

Even remembering the match feels like you’re at risk of undoing it when you watched every agonising minute live. Meanwhile liars discuss Bellingham’s swift one-two of goals and Kane’s penalty with the cool detachment of a Wikipedia article. If your colleague isn’t still trembling and dripping with sweat they’re either a fraud or secretly into Wimbledon.

They’re too well-rested

Where are the bags under their eyes? The yawns? The inability to understand simple sentences? These are the hard-won trophies of people who bravely went to the pub a bit later than they usually would, making them this generation’s war heroes and those who got eight hours of sleep deserters who should face a firing squad.

They’ve never mentioned football before

If they’ve historically been actively disinterested in football, their sudden enthusiasm is suspect. They don’t really care that last night was a humiliation for Mexico on home turf. They don’t remember the Hand of God goal. They just want to feel part of something bigger and to establish a human connection with colleagues. Pathetic, shameful behaviour.

They are doing their job

Meeting the minimal acceptable working standards is a dead giveaway. Real fans can barely open their laptops to put their out-of-office on. Either that or your co-worker does a mindless, unimportant job that a trained chimp could do, in which case they may indeed have seen the game.

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